....So that's what it is...or, F ur anus

So, welcome welcome Spring. Who's outside right now doing a fiery sun dance?

When the vernal equinox comes, light and dark are equally aligned. The sun is poking frisky through the funkin muck. Right?

Little bolts of light, little pokes of bright and joy. But still the whirl of madness and fraught of dark there, not even behind us but equal in part! If we're anything alike though, then winter does it damp dance on you, no matter what.

I am an Aries, cusp of Pisces. Born on the new year, first days in the ruler of the first house. First house rules the self, the individual. So I am dominated by this--the fiery one wrought through by sense of self. And!! Read on....

Uranus in your first house indicates that you have to be your own individual at all costs. If you're unwilling to cooperate or compromise with others, however, one of those costs will be your intimate relationships. Your self-will and need to have your own way is so strong that you may feel isolated from others until you let some of it go. You're often seized by sudden impulses, which neither you nor others understand, but which you feel you need to follow. In general, you and your life are full of surprises. Somewhat nervous and restless, you may find your way through a group or organization. You can be tactless unless there's a fair amount of water or a strong Neptune in your chart. Very intuitive, you tend to be eccentric, unconventional, and spontaneous in appearance and mannerisms. The spirit, not the form of things is significant to you, so you have your own standards of right and wrong. (from http://www.myastrologybook.com/Uranus-in-the-first-house-1st-house.htm)

and...

With a First House Uranus you are likely to seek individual freedom of expression through an inherent need for constant change, new experience and adventure. Personal freedom of action is all-important to you. Unusual, eccentric, versatile, restless, intelligent and intuitive you have a stimulating affect on others, although, at times you may be regarded as odd, peculiar, eccentric and many years ahead of the times. You are likely to be attracted to such subjects as astrology, occultism, hypnotism, spiritualism, psychic research, New Age healing, telepathy, Free Masonry, inventions and electrical gadgetry. Many changes of residence and occupation are likely. Various strange and unexpected personal crises will promote life-experience and character growth. (from http://www.astrology.com/aboutastrology/interpreting/houses/house1.html)

Oh, freakin hoooray.

I gotta tell you, too. I am what, like two weeks in to taking care of my mental/emotional self above all other. Nurturing and loving. And for a while I was doing so by watching with love my thoughts, being gentle and silly with me--separating out from the stress or dismay that is continuous right now, just trying to watch it and be gentle with it, instead: I am moving my stuff off of Anngar farm. The accumulated worth of one life--all my shit in total from 32 years, wrapped up and tied by the unraveled ethical bow of here is the man with whom I will make my future and create the rest of my life because spiritually/earthily/One-nessily we see eye to eye. And of course, that one thing, that one constant that I could count on internally changed too. For a full year and a half I ran from the truth of that change, too. For those of you confused: Yes, I moved to Choptank five months ago. To be quiet and with me, which is all I wanted, to try to confront my longing, my inner-discontent. To challenge myself to be still. But all my stuff--ALL OF ME, remained back at Anngar on the farm. On the land which I had grown to know as me and love as one. So now I am moving, for the third weekend in a row, or more realistically, getting rid of almost ALL of that stuff, cuz where the hell else can it go?

This being gentle with me, the affirmations and what not--see the way energy bands or personality patterns, however you want to see it, work--they are powerfull and subconscious. That's the tough part of unprogramming...the affirmations of course are inauthentic and banal til you can really cut to the core of things. And I do them becasue they work, and right now I need something, anything to get me through. But I'm sick the fuck of it. Tired of even practicing the most gentle first step of softened self-acceptance: the proverbial I'm not all right! Of course I'm not! I get that! I got that when I was so sick weeks ago. Frankly, I'm about ready to call it a day--to go to the beach somewhere and live in the sunshine and let my joy, each and every day, barefoot in the sand body soaked by the salt of the sea, be my own act of daily prayer.

No more working my ass off because I am compelled to save this broke ass allbeit beautiful world. No more worrying about serving others and challenging my self to be kind and loving and giving at work, stepping up to the next level again and again of growth or being the change or whatever the hell else huruguru bullshit I am currently feeding myself in order to subvert the fact that I am tired of being almost, but not quite, "through". No more trying to figure out what comes next and what the hell went wrong. All these pieces of me and others that I care about, of my life and love and joys and work and all of it, the daily giving it away and aligning myself with the warmth within to live the best I can just through today...?! You know what, fuckabuncha bullshit, there is nothing easy about it so why not give in to myself and just go somewhere, and play!? Affirmations that work or not, serendipity that my life is indeed full of, for sure--how the hell about some music and love without expectation good food good eating good friends who dont peacethefuck out on you and travelin and singing and dancing good times....

Here I am, first day of spring gloryfuckinghallelujah irreverence thanks life i know i know we give each other our very best.....

The best of me may still be yet to come? I can't even swallow that right now. If it's in my nature to be self-centered and self-serving, destined always for unusual eccentric versatile restlessness....ughghgh than maybe full throttle self-indulged hedonisticness is all that's left.

Why the hell not??

~~~

What I am listening to: mia and jonah. melancholy music for people stuck on change!?