It's just the beginning

It was a long weekend and I ended it hugging Gretchen with wet eyes, in front of a fish and burger shack under a white moon in a place called Summerland.  I drove her to Pacifica so she could see it and feel the silence there for herself.  Gretchen, who has stood by me through every bit of this year after year, back when everyone else thought I was senseless--the days of moving out of Chestertown because I was following my heart but didn't know towards what.  All I could think coming up to this weekend, it all makes sense now...all I could say again and again when we saw one another...I've only just begun.

Brian who's never written poetically once in his whole life texted There are two tragedies in life.  One is to lose your hearts desire.  The other is to gain it.  Some think the latter is worse.  They think once you gain your hearts desire, what you truly want, then life becomes pointless.  There's nothing left to strive for.  You become scared and fearful once you've gained it you will lose it.  Scared to give in and let yourself feel everything amazing that comes along with gaining one's hearts desire...these people are punks! They're wrong!  The tragedy of gaining one's hearts desire isn't the realization that this is all life has to offer.  That life is pointless from here on out....The real tragedy for some is once you've gained your hearts desire you don't stop and realize that it's just the beginning and NOT the end.  The beginning of something amazing we human beings get to feel.  A feeling that's intense and truthful.  A feeling that's painful and exciting.  A feeling that allows you to love someone or something more than yourself.  To be scared to give in to those feelings is where the tragedy lies.  I called him and we talked for an hour.  He is in love and she is afraid to lose her independence.  I called and talked to Paul almost as long, back to back phone calls about the exact same thing.  Dear Paul who is returning north to the hot springs to live in the forest again before Kalani.   I thought, how lucky am I to know these men.  Oh 2012. Time of new roles that never have been.  These two men loving like they never have before.  New roles everywhere.  Willing to love and getting hurt and keeping their hearts open the whole while.   How proud I am to know them who can be so brave.  It's not all golden in the Age of Female Wisdom.  All of us women and men we are struggling and learning every day. I am inspired by my brothers and try and learn from them.

I did laundry for the first time in a month.  The TV on the Radio station on Pandora rocks.  So does listening to sorta old school The Lonesome Crowded West.  My students are brave and beautiful.  I sat at my favorite beach Sleepy Hollow.  Had a taco from Loco's while I read the book I bought when Josh was here.  In other news while puttering around my house I pulled the salsa verde out of the fridge and was touched in that sudden, merciless way that brings unexpected tears to my eyes because I was so grateful to have a refrigerator, a closet full of lovely clothes.  Life is incredibly simple like that.  To see so clearly how abundant and blessed we are. There is so much for which to give thanks.  Life is ridiculous and complicated, too.  Intense and painful, breaking down defenses growing new roles. So it goes.  I've only just begun.

Sun in Cancer, for Beth, Paul, and Mom

The sun is in Cancer (this link makes me smile...)

Cancer to me has always been the sign of the mother, both personally and especially esoterically. I've had a lot of healing to do in the watery realm of cancer's energy, simply part of the mandala of my soul, what I came here with to loop through and through...My mom's birthday is this weekend, and also Cancer is the archetype of mom and all energies associated with this figure. Remember every archetype has a dark and light side~a side we revere, and a side we try to disassociate or keep in the dark. So when the sun is in Cancer we find ourselves re-visiting the primal ideas, personal or programmed, around the symbol of mom.

For me, two of my closest friends have birthdays right now. Beth is tomorrow, Paul is Sunday and mom is Monday. Wow, right? Especially if you knew the prototypes of these people~Beth is the quintessential momma figure in both the old world and new world form (imagine the tension and joy of constantly becoming that this woman whirls around and around in,) and Paul is the total embodiment of the new world man, with balanced female, or motherly, energy equal to his embodied male wholeness. It's pretty cool, especially in that I just got to deep chill with both of them and see how and where and what they each reflect back in me and make me aware of...

The best thing I've ever done is submit to the inner wild experience in order to heal my own distinct femininity. Paul and Beth, on my recent trip west, were direct parts of the apex of all that, too...

Life is a trip ya'll, and the inner mysteries have lots of keys and answers for us. I for one wouldn't trade the quality of richness and depth that I've gained by centering my life on the inner-informing-the outter for anything. Try it. Especially if you've been floundering lately.

July will do that to you (flounder flounder little fishy dont forget you can just go with the stream!) Trust me, it's part of the mystery of the ebb and flow.

In honor of my two Cancerians, and my mom, and my great deep gratitude and tender love for all of them, here is a poem. And in honor of the McMullen women, who I will celebrate and revere this weekend, and the Englar women, who continue on, and who I too will celebrate today with love~

Women's Work

Send the camaflouged men home

Ship the guns back

Let the metal rust

Defuse the bombs

Detonate the mines

Sands shifting with a new wind.

Gone! Gone! Gone are the ghosts.

Array the woman in silver

daughters of the world's Great Goddesses

bearing medicines and gruel

seeing their hidden sisters in the shadows

Hear them shout across the line

"Do you have enough to eat?"

~Lyrion Ap Tower

gratefully reprinted from We'Moon, 2010

Picture journal of Pac NorthWest. The only thing better...

...than tall trees

...is tall trees AND the sea!!

I forgot about how much synchronicity prevails over on this side...

Bring the sun they kept telling me, and so the rain stopped for the first time in weeks, the clouds parted and the sky and sea were blue the hour that I got to the coast...

it lasted for most the afternoon, than back to the signature grey...I pocketed an agate or two that were already gathered for me

O blessed, blessed loud crashing sea...

Your thunder's reawakened in me.

But the best gift was Gretchen's presence in my soul

Lincoln Beach and the myth that quick alive again in me

ahhhh Poetry and tall tall trees

and the healing waters, and mountain breath ahhhhh.

and cleanse, good sweats, and release

how good it feels to sleep in the clean outdoor breeze. to hear and know it's the mama speaking straight and pure to me.

and dear friends. dear friends speak language that is spirit,

and peace

At night we climbed in to the mountains up a path, we followed Paul. It was clear enough to see the stars, and at the cabin there was already a fire. His friends showed up slow at first then suddenly charmed and then everyone was smiling and bright and there, and then the drums and rattlers came out, and the songs started one by one.

I glowed and sung, and sung and we sung, and the songs and the drums were so, so sweet. I put songs that were prayers in to the pine and mountain and river air.

And I am full again of spirit and of peace. I smiled a lot and sat long times in the steam.
There is nothing like sisters, water fairies! Life is vibrant because of the medicine of good friends.

Tall trees and synchronicity and synchronicity and synchronicity is synchronicity. O whole pure healing and soaks and lying in the grass. I met my favorite blogger, we talked an hour she works with Paul. I didn't know she was here, but these are miracles and they are every breathing moment of life. Of course they are, why shouldn't they be?

Of course I didn't want to leave. But Beth had me go in the labyrinth which thank goodness she did because I was so blissed I had to be prompted in to what to do! It was a long, good and startling, startling true walk which reminded me evermore wherever you go there you are. And that this is ok, is right! Is good and I can trust in me. I can love.

Later, she played music which made me cry.
Good cries tho, good mountains good mountain songs.

On the road home I called mom but cousin Erin answered in spanish hola hola and hello. It confused me at first why does mom's voice sound just like me? I got to talk to Erin and it was so bouyant light and charm. She put mom on and when mom took the phone to dad I heard the voices and could tell she'd stepped on to the back porch at the Pines, aunts and uncles and family friends. About to eat steamed crabs. And dad said your brother just pulled up here let me put him on, and my heart bubbled over to be in touch with all them, my family, 3000 miles away and to know, to so know, I have a home and know who I am, and love, soo so love the place where I am from.

For now, I will love love love the Oregon Coast, all the wet, and the tall sweet trees.

For now, I will revel in the love of this sweet calm peace.