Like we were fairy blue

I don't know why it happened here but an outbreath just left me feeling soaked in and comfortable, almost relaxed, for the first time in over a week.  This is the coffee shop I used to ride my bike to all the time when I first moved here to Southern California back in February.  I remember the first time I sat in this comfy chair, with a poem book in my lap to put the peacock light on inside me (to reference--for Erika--Millay.)  Maybe that's why my soul nudged me here today.  Because it feels like a home base.  Where a keystone is set so that I can take pause.  And try to...breathe.

That was the most intense several weeks I have lived in a really long time.  Moving then Mary dying, getting accepted to school, then trying to prepare for school and beginning to teach at night, then school.  School.  Woaaaah school.  What the hell just happened?

In our group process session on Sunday I got all fidgety and couldn't sit still in my seat, next thing I was standing under the rafters out back of Pacifica where the whisper breeze lingers then stops with these two women in my group. Sobbing.  This feels like a blood clot, all I could think, a little spot of purple rot stuck in my heart trying to get out my throat, and it went all the way back to when I left my job at Chesapeake, that deep and devastating burn out.  We have to log 3000 hours of internship before we get licensed, meaning non-profits and the system all over again, and I could barely take it, the misery and reality of this.  And like that I was on the phone with Gretchen in April 2010 fumbling on my words admitting with my fool heart to her all that time I believed I could change it.   Feeling so embarrassed to say this out loud.

So that's in-depth, soul psychology.  Recognizing all change happens only within.  Woooooaaaah and here I go.

I swam Saturday night in the dark of the Equinox, the balance held.  For the first time on the West Coast, a night swim!  With my new friends from grad school. Covered in moonstruck phosphorescence like we were fairy blue. I am so grateful, already, for them.

Fly to Austin in less than two days.  Cousin Kate, ohhh!  Cousin Kate.   Then on to Maryland to be in Mandy's wedding, to officially celebrate the union of her and Dave.  I miss my family with a tremendous ache.  Doing all this, this commitment and follow through, is taking all of me.  My support system is back east and that's really hard.  I don't know what else to say.

Fall Equinox. Season of bounty and light~Farewell

Yes it's the fall equinox tonight, overnight.  Making today the last day of the summer~

My heart's been terribly wistful.  I dipped down lower in fact than I've been in some time and damn do I not do well with that--unaccounted for fluxing in my mood.  Even though I am the one who knows and teaches Anicha, the wisdom of the emotional and mental life how it is fleeting and always will change, even that knowledge still didn't stop me from being really effing hard on myself in trying to figure out Whyyyy?  It started Monday, I walked the cliffside to the beach and lay in the yellow sun, light blue swells and diamond sparkles and Santa Cruz hippies and teenagers all around, so much smiles.  I sat a long, long time, just trying to be gentle with the discomfort of myself, in myself.

Here we are: the season of change. The wheel turns to the dark half of the year tonight, even if for now we are perfectly balanced.  And so at this state of in-between, it's time for reflection, gratitude, and above all listening deeply to your own soul's response.  I had the coolest, coolest fucking year.  My high time at the beach was ecstatic like little before I've known, the dancing, the sun, the surf, the good friends.  The immediate and consistent blessings of family all around.  This is not even to mention the time I've spent on the road, the harmony and serendipity and surprises that have come with all that.  I will spend the fall working in the mountains, and what comes then and after I can not know...

It was Erika, on Tuesday, who pointed out the birth of my niece and the outlying impact a baby always brings.  On the heel of that conversation it occurred to me, slowly, the deep grief I am feeling over moving forward.  Moving on from my life and times at the beach, back east, among the intimacy of the people who mean so much to me and a lifestyle I had whittled by choice.  There is little to do with this experience other than ride it, feel it, honor it.  And too, in quiet, dream more, dream forward, and trust in the power of my dreams and my heart to guide me towards the next harvest season to come.

In all things, we are right here, where we are meant to be.  Or like my brother Brooks has been known to say~She might come late, but she always on time...

...That's just what the mama wisdom has to teach us today.

MAGIC In The Air Today...

Happy first day of fall!

The sun enters Libra tonight at 11:09 pm, eastern. This is the autumn equinox, time of light and dark in balance.

It is also the full moon tonight, or early tomorrow, at 5:17am eastern.

The moon is in Aries, initiatory fire sign of impulse, action and change. The sun moves in to Libra, initiatory air sign. Air signs rule consciousness and creative energy.

Aries and Libra are both cardinal, meaning they bring energy of change. That is what the spring and fall are about...changing. Aries in the spring is fire which transforms, Libra in the fall is air which, like breath, creates from the depths of who we are.

The equinox is the time of balance at harvest--so to harness this energy we take time to reflect on the season that has just passed, and with reflection allow what we learned about ourselves to take hold. It is this new knowledge that will now initiate for us, and initiation will really permeate if we take the time to be grateful. The season of gratitude and blessing counting, of going within with knowledge of our light, begins now.

Happy Fall! Blessings to all, amen amen amen...

Monday Morning Reflections

I'm writing right now to bring my self in to my life this morning because work beckons and with it like always on a Monday the steel wall inside my heart and that is no way to start the day. And it doesn't matter that in bed today like most days I began by sighing and smiling and centering and quiet and talking almost immediately to the Powers that be: carressing my self in to the transition of morning, quieting and alighting that deep electric, that inner quiet line of harmony and free, my ritual check list of what I am laying there, grateful for...Simple as it is by the time I am content and in the kitchen aware of me, waiting on coffee and reviewing the day to come, my body well-slept and the outlines of the room surrounding me, the fresh sight of clean that comes in the morning when one is grateful but gratitude is more part the tapestry then it is of surprise, what is there is simple sunlight, dust and shadows, and me, and another same old day.

And I think yesterday I had the most amazing hike, it is September, fall has been coming since the first Harvest Lunar Llamas showed its earliest signs and that was all the way back in July. What she needs now, the earth what she is now and therefor what we find inherant of ourselves as well in either fight or fright, surrender grace or strain, is to call forth from within a big, big rest. A huge reflection. And further, what this means, great! anticipation over what is stirring there, what is being prepared, what is yet to come....

And mercury comes out of retro tomorrow and this review has been so great for me, so clarifying and healing, like how high fire burns away the imperfections. And on my hike yesterday what I thought of was, this is it, thank you thank you for the witnessing. O time of great passing, merc will turn this week and most people wont even know why by the weekend they will feel cleaned-up and better versions of themselves as if just come out of slumber with the cozy haze of sleep and magic still fuzzy on their shoulders and sparkling their eyes. And life will be different, and fast-moving because that is how it happens, the change of the tides.

And next week I will go away for a while to the PacNW and when I return it will be a new time, a season full of new. Thanksgiving suddenly will be here and then of course the darkness, the season to renew. And as she is showing us now, be prepared for a long, lowdown night. And I am glad for it, have fought hard for this peace, and am resolute now in the changes that are absolute, and sure to come.

wait, mercury retro, again?? how did i not know this?

watch out it's about to take us skidding back over the landscape of our past three months. go see risa at nightlightnews.com, four paragraphs down (i haven't been able to get anything to paste to my blog for months now and i am too lazy to type it all out) and read about this mercury retro, starting sept 6th and going for three weeks.

and then let's stop using our heads so much! right now it's all about relaxing, softening the gaze and muscles and stance, deep breath so you can feel a smile emerge in your chest and permeate that rose light within. our bodies want to be sleeping more in preparation for the equinox and if we dont slow down now we'll end up sick. curl in to the burrow of you, and trust in the natural thrumming rythms that are loosening the heat under and just around your skin. let the boundary between you and the air goooooooo.... moon soak time, let those yearnings surface and re-begin...