It felt good to take a breath--my roommates did a 48-hour crusade to Chicago and back and having a house to myself was just that. A big long breath out. Steel Pulse was so fun. Major surprises there, too. Barefeet on the lawn dancing and the moon. At 6:30am Saturday my phone started buzzing Nici wanted to surf and Derynn wanted to know if I was going to the Open with her boys. It went on like that for an hour me laughing all the way. There was nothing like cruising across PCH at the pier that morning. I had that sense about my life, of fresh and at-one-ness at once and this is really happening. That hasn't happened in a while. We got to the Open and the boys had to stand on line for an hour to get their passes to swipe so they can win prizes all week. Last year Jayden won hundreds of dollars worth of stuff. Just in the first ten minutes we'd gotten hats for free.
After a while we went to Tower 8 and Nici was in the water and after another while she convinced me to go out. I was like no way not a chance am I surfing California for the first day at the kick-off of the US Surf Open. I felt like a big kook but she forced me and turns out she's an awesome teacher. I was up in the white water in an instant and like that my whole pulse for it was back. I rode white waves for a good bit til she forced me to paddle all the way out and in the line up she was teaching me all kinds of little great tips, confirming my original instinct all the way back to last year that I needed a woman to teach me. After an hour I was whipped and was like I'm going in and started to paddle and next thing I knew I was right inside the wave and it moved me right and then I was up and rode it all the way to when it reformed and still was up and going, and it felt like yoga, that union, and I saw how to be in control and let it happen at once. It was RADICAL. I hope to start going with her in the morning before school.
Der and I tried to go to the movies later but that didn't work out so instead I made us dinner. We wound up at Barnes and Noble on the floor of the poetry section reading the little hymns out loud. I slept well then was up early again and got all the errandy house things out of the way which always makes me feel at peace. Today I spent the day with a cutie which was rad. Finally talked to Erin too so I feel connected again. Erika tagged me on Instagram with a picture of a Crow on the beach in NC. Fannon's anniversary just passed and this is the final loop before the season begins to round out. Meaning Crow made good sense. My interview at Pacifica is Friday. I am going to jam out at the Open all week. I have a date tonight. I want to write an essay on being a woman for Holly. Book, no worries, I'll soon be back.
My life is becoming what I always saw in my heart. Part of this is because I was willing to let go of a lot of ideas jammed up in my head.
How amazingly rad.
Showing posts with label check in. Show all posts
Showing posts with label check in. Show all posts
July 29, 2012
July 26, 2012
And dance
Three weeks ago I decided it's time for me to see more live music again. I was hanging out with this cutie lifeguard watching some surf punk band with a horrible drunk wannabe Morrison lead. My company was far better than the band. Since then I've seen Matisyahu and tomorrow Steel Pulse. Steel Pulse!!! Haven't seen good reggae since the old Sunsplash days. Next week at the Surf Open Best Coast, Toro y Moi and TV on the Radio. Free Best Coast on the beach! Tonight I'm going with Annie and like 10 girls to see a No Doubt cover band. I am looking forward to a deep-fried avocado since we'll be at the fair.
To the hell yea. I rode my bike forever today. The headwind on the way back was hilarious. So much resistance that's the first time a bike ride on the beach path made me sweat. Like always I get a big smile when I ride, which makes everyone smile too. Which makes me happy. And smile more. The Open started today, meaning even more than normal little skaters everywhere and all the registers now accepting money at every concession stand. I don't think surf events happen til Saturday. Jayden and I have plans to be down there at like 6am...I'm going to watch a lot of surfing and not move much other than bike to beach to water to sand. Back to bike again.
Talked to Josh last night forever and it made me feel whole and clean. That's been happening more often with him. And so things move on. The admissions counselor at Pacifica emailed me today, they presented my application to the board, I am freaked out. And happy. Sometimes there's nothing else than Wait. This feels really good to me.
A prayer now for Derynne, for what is to come. What is to come, what has been, and the sacred in-between. Which is a great time to go get Stefani on, dance and dance and dance...and be.
To the hell yea. I rode my bike forever today. The headwind on the way back was hilarious. So much resistance that's the first time a bike ride on the beach path made me sweat. Like always I get a big smile when I ride, which makes everyone smile too. Which makes me happy. And smile more. The Open started today, meaning even more than normal little skaters everywhere and all the registers now accepting money at every concession stand. I don't think surf events happen til Saturday. Jayden and I have plans to be down there at like 6am...I'm going to watch a lot of surfing and not move much other than bike to beach to water to sand. Back to bike again.
Talked to Josh last night forever and it made me feel whole and clean. That's been happening more often with him. And so things move on. The admissions counselor at Pacifica emailed me today, they presented my application to the board, I am freaked out. And happy. Sometimes there's nothing else than Wait. This feels really good to me.
A prayer now for Derynne, for what is to come. What is to come, what has been, and the sacred in-between. Which is a great time to go get Stefani on, dance and dance and dance...and be.
July 18, 2012
Her true essence.
After yoga, which was with a different teacher tonight and one of the sweatiest, most energizing workouts I have ever had, my body was craving fresh veggie pasta with every vibrating cell. I walked to Mother's and bought ingredients and came home and cooked myself a feast. And decided I'm gonna chill and watch tv.
So You Think You Can Dance. It's the first time I've watched prime time in my house in Huntington but today on the phone mom said I needed to. It makes me miss her. This was our show. When we lived together two falls ago she got me hooked. I forgot how deeply dance moves me. Good dance pangs my heart, catches my throat, covers me in chills. Makes my eyes fill. It makes me ache for Baltimore and home because Artscape, all that magnificent street art and dance, starts this week.
My kids are doing so well! They are not kids by any means but some days like today when I give them a project and look up from my attendance book to see each of them concentrating I swell with something like parental pride and adoration. In my eyes, it's true, they can do no wrong. After school I applied for a second job. It's a mile from my new house. I can ride my bike, so I hope I get it.
My new house! There is a hiking trail that leads up the canyon it starts in my neighborhood! God I am thrilled. Muller's coming down this weekend and Jason who I haven't seen since Kevin and I were 16 and 15-years-old. Samba tomorrow night then Long Beach with Alison and who knows who else for dinner and dancing Friday. Today is the new moon. My meditation each morning has gotten more and more strong and the journaling has me really self-connected. We were chanting in class tonight and my soul was so still, so engaged and filling up the vessel of me so presently that all I could think of was Hannah at Earth Activist Training when we did our New Moon ritual. This was up in the Cazadero Mountains in January. She said how connected she felt to the moon in her dark phase, when she isn't obliged to reflect the sun and can simply be her whole, pure self. Her true essence. That line came back to me on my breath tonight, it filled me whole with my self, it filled me strong as the two weeks of silence at Vipassana did, whole as Cazadero and the Permaculture kids. I am feeling so sweetly quenched on the gratitude in my heart, on the walking blessings of my life, so excited to be here and on the verge of so many amazing changes. So alive. The checking in daily with me is paying off.
I am grateful, aware. New moon sets a new cycle in motion, our own personal start anew. Yes yes and thank you.
So You Think You Can Dance. It's the first time I've watched prime time in my house in Huntington but today on the phone mom said I needed to. It makes me miss her. This was our show. When we lived together two falls ago she got me hooked. I forgot how deeply dance moves me. Good dance pangs my heart, catches my throat, covers me in chills. Makes my eyes fill. It makes me ache for Baltimore and home because Artscape, all that magnificent street art and dance, starts this week.
My kids are doing so well! They are not kids by any means but some days like today when I give them a project and look up from my attendance book to see each of them concentrating I swell with something like parental pride and adoration. In my eyes, it's true, they can do no wrong. After school I applied for a second job. It's a mile from my new house. I can ride my bike, so I hope I get it.
My new house! There is a hiking trail that leads up the canyon it starts in my neighborhood! God I am thrilled. Muller's coming down this weekend and Jason who I haven't seen since Kevin and I were 16 and 15-years-old. Samba tomorrow night then Long Beach with Alison and who knows who else for dinner and dancing Friday. Today is the new moon. My meditation each morning has gotten more and more strong and the journaling has me really self-connected. We were chanting in class tonight and my soul was so still, so engaged and filling up the vessel of me so presently that all I could think of was Hannah at Earth Activist Training when we did our New Moon ritual. This was up in the Cazadero Mountains in January. She said how connected she felt to the moon in her dark phase, when she isn't obliged to reflect the sun and can simply be her whole, pure self. Her true essence. That line came back to me on my breath tonight, it filled me whole with my self, it filled me strong as the two weeks of silence at Vipassana did, whole as Cazadero and the Permaculture kids. I am feeling so sweetly quenched on the gratitude in my heart, on the walking blessings of my life, so excited to be here and on the verge of so many amazing changes. So alive. The checking in daily with me is paying off.
I am grateful, aware. New moon sets a new cycle in motion, our own personal start anew. Yes yes and thank you.
July 12, 2012
Breathe. Smile. Go Slow.
Yoga tonight, it was great, Derryne's mantra for practice was Breathe. Smile. Go Slowly. On our last few rounds of sun salutations she really had us go deep in to our breath, which I would do all of class if I could (and wind up on my own endless bliss planet, Planet Kel.) She said imagine you are moving through honey. I did. It made me smile, a lot.
Told my class today that the reason I call them my little chickens is because I am the Mama Hen. I tried to explain what this meant. Mama Hen doesn't translate so well. I caught the Japanese girls calling me The Big Chicken. With genuine affection in their voices.
This has made me laugh until I am wet-eyed no less than six times today.
Mom's birthday today, Beth yesterday, Paul the day before. Season of Cancer, Mother Energy. Talked to ma and grandma. Thought about men, how I was raised to believe men behave. What my experience has affirmed or changed of those ideas. What ideas still need adjusting.
Thoughts are with Erika. My novel's moving. Grad school apps are close to complete--ahhhhh and so instead of writing this afternoon when the rare Southern California rain showed up I laid down on my bed and got snuggly and listened to the way the rain sounds in the alley right out of my side window. Just like I used to love to do in Ocean Pines, the smack noise of rain on tree leaves on to the ground. Ahhhh.
Tiki Bar last night. Dancing in the parking lot at midnight. Cute. I love my life. Breathe. Smile. Go slow.
Check in.
Told my class today that the reason I call them my little chickens is because I am the Mama Hen. I tried to explain what this meant. Mama Hen doesn't translate so well. I caught the Japanese girls calling me The Big Chicken. With genuine affection in their voices.
This has made me laugh until I am wet-eyed no less than six times today.
Mom's birthday today, Beth yesterday, Paul the day before. Season of Cancer, Mother Energy. Talked to ma and grandma. Thought about men, how I was raised to believe men behave. What my experience has affirmed or changed of those ideas. What ideas still need adjusting.
Thoughts are with Erika. My novel's moving. Grad school apps are close to complete--ahhhhh and so instead of writing this afternoon when the rare Southern California rain showed up I laid down on my bed and got snuggly and listened to the way the rain sounds in the alley right out of my side window. Just like I used to love to do in Ocean Pines, the smack noise of rain on tree leaves on to the ground. Ahhhh.
Tiki Bar last night. Dancing in the parking lot at midnight. Cute. I love my life. Breathe. Smile. Go slow.
Check in.
July 10, 2012
I can't get enough I can't get enough
I was trying to think honestly about moving from Huntington. To be closer to work. The realization hit me last week that it would be hard to leave the library here. I know it's as silly to me as it is to you. Today coming up the concrete stairs it became my reality though. I simply may love this place too much.
And here, on the lower level five feet from a fountain, another fountain and grassy woodland park out the floor to ceiling wall to my right, I know it's true. And I get why. It is quiet here, an indulgent, reverent, human quiet. This is the best library in the world. Full with the sound of literally hundreds of bodies choosing to be silent, to be still.
Out my window on Main Street cars run all day and night long. Dogs bark from the back yards. That all the time whir and buzz has its effect on people.
Here at the library the downstairs study rooms are open-aired with two overstuffed comfy couches in the center. In whichever study room you enter those cozy chairs always have people laid out like Jesus on the cross with their head all the way back and eyes closed. And today, I got it. The sacred sound, they like me come here to soak in it. The aching, conscientious quiet.
I can not get enough of it. That's not even to mention the satisfaction of the forever long bike ride all its hills and concrete, or the basement where the poetry stacks are and I can go and completely lose my mind its dimensions so opened that a library basement is my quaky heart drug. I go there for the bliss, I can't get enough. I can't get enough I can't get enough.
So here's to my third daily check-in. Got my morning pages done today, located my backpack finally (dear Dell, does the warranty cover damage done from transport in a bag with a bottomfull of sand?) and now here I am, at the library. To finish my essays. I talk with Erika about my latest submission tonight at 6:15.
Last night was super fun, too even though I wound up not chilling with Derynn and them. I'm stoked to do it again~
And here, on the lower level five feet from a fountain, another fountain and grassy woodland park out the floor to ceiling wall to my right, I know it's true. And I get why. It is quiet here, an indulgent, reverent, human quiet. This is the best library in the world. Full with the sound of literally hundreds of bodies choosing to be silent, to be still.
Out my window on Main Street cars run all day and night long. Dogs bark from the back yards. That all the time whir and buzz has its effect on people.
Here at the library the downstairs study rooms are open-aired with two overstuffed comfy couches in the center. In whichever study room you enter those cozy chairs always have people laid out like Jesus on the cross with their head all the way back and eyes closed. And today, I got it. The sacred sound, they like me come here to soak in it. The aching, conscientious quiet.
I can not get enough of it. That's not even to mention the satisfaction of the forever long bike ride all its hills and concrete, or the basement where the poetry stacks are and I can go and completely lose my mind its dimensions so opened that a library basement is my quaky heart drug. I go there for the bliss, I can't get enough. I can't get enough I can't get enough.
So here's to my third daily check-in. Got my morning pages done today, located my backpack finally (dear Dell, does the warranty cover damage done from transport in a bag with a bottomfull of sand?) and now here I am, at the library. To finish my essays. I talk with Erika about my latest submission tonight at 6:15.
Last night was super fun, too even though I wound up not chilling with Derynn and them. I'm stoked to do it again~
July 9, 2012
Being a girl
Ok, so I didn't do morning pages today. Those are my first thought journal downloads in the morning, a process/tool that never, ever fails to plug me more in to me in a focused, realized way. When I use it fairly consistently. I didn't do morning pages today because I hit snooze FOUR times!! I could barely keep my eyes open getting out of bed! And I realized it's because I had no afternoon espresso or nighttime redbull this weekend. Just my daily two cups in the morning. My body was so unwound and deeply tired/sleeping this morning that I only had one cup today for breakfast and replaced my afternoon Americano with chamomile tea. I want to listen to my body as part of this new direction.
Inbox full of emails by the time I was done teaching. FAFSA, general application done. Stopped at the Teacher's Union to see about loans through them. Went downtown to write my 2000 words and start on my essays for the rest of the application. Two paragraphs and my computer dies. I thought I could throw myself through the glass window right now. That is very dramatic I know. But to look at my calm, centered face one would not likely think: that girl she must be thinking that she'd like to jump out of that chair and hurtle herself through the glass window on to the streets of downtown Huntington. Hmmm then what would the tourists say....it maybe is not so good to keep your tension bottled but then the computer dies. What the hell else can you do?
I called Justin back home panicked but he didn't answer because he works a zillion jobs in the summer. So I talked to Samil at Dell for an hour and got it all straight. Computer working again my momentum was gone though. I came home on my bike it was too late for yoga. I left my mat at the yoga center a couple weeks ago and it's not there now. Meaning when I get off my blog here I will practice on the floor on a sheet or tapestry.
Derynn's bbq was super fun. Lots of great food and people and also bocci ball which I haven't played since I left Chestertown. It made me really happy. Tonight we are going out downtown and I invited a guy I met. Tomorrow I will begin again. Tonight I will put music on and shower and just tinkle around getting dressed and doing my hair and letting time dissipate a while, being a girl.
Inbox full of emails by the time I was done teaching. FAFSA, general application done. Stopped at the Teacher's Union to see about loans through them. Went downtown to write my 2000 words and start on my essays for the rest of the application. Two paragraphs and my computer dies. I thought I could throw myself through the glass window right now. That is very dramatic I know. But to look at my calm, centered face one would not likely think: that girl she must be thinking that she'd like to jump out of that chair and hurtle herself through the glass window on to the streets of downtown Huntington. Hmmm then what would the tourists say....it maybe is not so good to keep your tension bottled but then the computer dies. What the hell else can you do?
I called Justin back home panicked but he didn't answer because he works a zillion jobs in the summer. So I talked to Samil at Dell for an hour and got it all straight. Computer working again my momentum was gone though. I came home on my bike it was too late for yoga. I left my mat at the yoga center a couple weeks ago and it's not there now. Meaning when I get off my blog here I will practice on the floor on a sheet or tapestry.
Derynn's bbq was super fun. Lots of great food and people and also bocci ball which I haven't played since I left Chestertown. It made me really happy. Tonight we are going out downtown and I invited a guy I met. Tomorrow I will begin again. Tonight I will put music on and shower and just tinkle around getting dressed and doing my hair and letting time dissipate a while, being a girl.
July 8, 2012
A way back
So I am going to try to blog more.
(Got that Kelly, here it is, in contract!) I told Erika over email I will check-in on my blog as much as I can. I will rely on the only thing I've ever fully committed to--writing--as the frame to help me commit to the other new changes on the helm. Writing, which I once wrote is my tool, and my reward. How it keys me in, cuts my trail in to my inside. Then leaves an archive map, a way back, to who I am just behind.
Summerland on Friday was so rad. When I used to sit in my room in the Pines and relax and breathe and listen to my poemas de la luna on Pandora over and over again I would feel where on the map in California that I belonged. And it was always Ventura. All along.
Not that I'll move. Just, I can't wait to have this reason to go there where the trees breathe and the coast is quiet once a month. This reason, this commitment to myself. In a book I got at the bookstore at Pacifica on Friday it says They need to mature before they will be able to protect themselves. The book is about unfolding the sacred in women and the quote refers to symbology in the dreams of the two writers. Symbols speaking to the burgeon of understanding they were growing of their individual spirits. And I read this, and knew communion. And thought yes, yes. These next steps are about that. I know where I am heading, always have. But I must go make this deep passing now. I need to mature my vision so that I will know how to protect it. And in protecting it, allow it its process to grow.
Nick and Norah's was great. It made me want a boyfriend to run around in whimsy with taking random roadtrips up PCH stopping to eat ice cream and singing really loud out the windows. It made me relish the youth in me. Going to Derryn's today for a BBQ. Looking forward to yoga and a long bike ride in the sun. Talking to Beth tonight.
There. Check in, number 1.
(Got that Kelly, here it is, in contract!) I told Erika over email I will check-in on my blog as much as I can. I will rely on the only thing I've ever fully committed to--writing--as the frame to help me commit to the other new changes on the helm. Writing, which I once wrote is my tool, and my reward. How it keys me in, cuts my trail in to my inside. Then leaves an archive map, a way back, to who I am just behind.
Summerland on Friday was so rad. When I used to sit in my room in the Pines and relax and breathe and listen to my poemas de la luna on Pandora over and over again I would feel where on the map in California that I belonged. And it was always Ventura. All along.
Not that I'll move. Just, I can't wait to have this reason to go there where the trees breathe and the coast is quiet once a month. This reason, this commitment to myself. In a book I got at the bookstore at Pacifica on Friday it says They need to mature before they will be able to protect themselves. The book is about unfolding the sacred in women and the quote refers to symbology in the dreams of the two writers. Symbols speaking to the burgeon of understanding they were growing of their individual spirits. And I read this, and knew communion. And thought yes, yes. These next steps are about that. I know where I am heading, always have. But I must go make this deep passing now. I need to mature my vision so that I will know how to protect it. And in protecting it, allow it its process to grow.
Nick and Norah's was great. It made me want a boyfriend to run around in whimsy with taking random roadtrips up PCH stopping to eat ice cream and singing really loud out the windows. It made me relish the youth in me. Going to Derryn's today for a BBQ. Looking forward to yoga and a long bike ride in the sun. Talking to Beth tonight.
There. Check in, number 1.
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