...i was thinking about how believing in something strong enough fools the believer in to thinking that they have the power enough to affect the outcome. that somehow when it involves others we fool ourselves in to thinking sheer will or force of thought will make them change will make them do what we want them to or become who we believe them to be. i was thinking about life, about losing people, i've been thinking about friends. i hate, hate the noises people make when they eat. it makes me cringe in the back of my neck, it makes me feel adrenalized and catalized, my power of attention all concretized and focused on that one screeching thing the fault line of me breaking down like i might spin downward straight in to the ground a maddrillbit woman in a mad maddrillbit world. i am in pieces, not really, but yes, again.
what is on the floor? o, me, that's just me. not really. the fall is here the fall colors in the falling leaves, the blue ribbony blueness of the blue competitive sea. the brown mud, the dirty clean of sand, all that sand. my brother getting married. my brother getting married last day of the harvest year. o, we will dance! we will dance!!! we will all dance and dance the night away. jackie and kate and esther all the runaways all will be back. ryan too, he is the most recent to go. tribalism, dont look too far back in to my past: it's right there, all you need to know. i, mommy, mama-mia all these little ones so much to encircle, to claim as just, to love. past lives and massage table deep visions and dreams. elite? ha. what the fuck is money anyway, what the fuck is broken, what the fuck ever is being fixed? erika said write about this one thing, that one thing that i avoid. of course after much fighting it and so i did. and now i'm here spondown
and sick, but not really. that's the amy in me, this too, this too this too, decisions and facts and action is moving your ass, all that matters is all that is, anyway. judgement calls and what...it all is, and will pass away...
mom. mom! and mom, with her broken foot and arm. and the funniness of our fighting becasue the glass between us is all that seperates us, same same same...i love her, i love living here, blue bathrobes no money either of us and bartering for cash energy work and food.
this is how we live, this is how it goes in my dream. kelly said what i needed to hear on her table yesterday, i remembered the first session over there january a year ago ancient arts mel and accupressure and later that day crouched on the floor at clarion outside the restrooms my eyes closed melty smile talking to josh. banquets of light. erika came to the table too back then it said this is for her and you, this partnership you each have a lot for the other to know. it was three months before we came to one another tho. i am going crazy i am losing my mind, that is the best place to be kelly reminded me you've been to the other side if you can not lose you sure can't find.
ahhh, self-deception. at least these golden viddles i can truly taste, i can really get a grip on and spit swallow and digest. i hate him, i fucking hate him more than there is hate to ever know. god, this again? thin miserable line between the two. at least i am honest. it just took me so long, you know. so. much. pride. ah kel really? there is no no no thing to know, not nothing. there is no way to let go. i am on my moon, i am breaking down, yes, just not really cuz it's part of being whole. all just is. serenity? yea what choice have i guess i'll take you, again
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