Luke Doucet is singing those words that terrorize my heart and that also make me smile meekly with a chest full of shine, like this dream I once had that I remember blogging about where the whole symbolism of the thing was me beating the shit out of myself, really beating my self up--I had all these missing teeth and a big cartoon sized swollen purple and blue eye but was dumbly smiling, and felt whole and shiny and free. This song, and that Sea Wolf one and the one by Sandro Perri all make me feel the same. Haha and Cardinal Song. They all played this morning, Larry was on my mind off and on all week and his new stencils also broke my heart in that free glistening way, and in all this there is the cohesive feeling like the end of October ought to bring. And yes it always does.
Things are changing, things that change must also virtuously stay the same. What is all this, and where are our choices? Do we choose or just pretend to by acquiescing or enjoying or bitching along the way? It all is choice. I took the cushiony fold-out chair on to the front porch, it's like the one grandma and pap had on their motorhome before gram's sisters died and they used to go to Florida all the time, and I sat in the sun there. No one ever sits there because that's where all the plants are in the summer, they are in the house now though because the frost at night has already begun to come. I sat in the sun, I did as told--soak in the sun, listen to the trees. When or if there is the sense of being numb this works, go outdoors find your back-breath, your second-half, and let this part just listen and relax. Store sunshine, for light. Happens all the time...
That is our choice, to go out through the doors...
So, do I need school for all of this or what? It is so funny to me how easy I am now with all these songs that I used to have to stay away from because of him. Every station turned his way instead and ok, god it's all so fucking good! At least there's no more dislike button all the time now at least I say the holy yes yes yes this is all true and that's not all the time. Nothing extreme in one direction or the other. Just is. So it should be, this is the time of the year of Hecate--wisdom of the underworld, a whole entire harvest year now past, all the blessings, all the gain, all the loss. And I am ok! Not looking for prophecy though no thank you. I am good, whole it feels nice to see myself in this way. It feels nice to be myself in this way. Ha, and writing like mad. In less than three weeks 12, 000 words. The story now telling itslef. It took me 14 fucking months of pressing the stones, carrying the rocks up the god damn hill with nothing to base it on but that decision made years ago that no matter what else this is what you'll do...I took yesterday and Friday off from the words, had waitressing to do, and tonight too, all it further proved that I am only really good when I have primary focus on just the one or two things. I didn't get to Chico's art show and I felt really bad. Just him having it has me thinking about Brook's and I and all our scene-dreams. I will be impresario scene-chic no matter who's in my life that I also know for sure. What next, what next what next is I will finish my book, that is all I truly know. Jotto and I sat out back at work yesterday waiting for tables to come in. What do you want? I asked my self. I was laying on the flat old wooden deck. White sun and the salt water smell. In order to dissect the fears from the truth at this crossroads. Acknowledging all, making room for all parts of the whole. Institution, I have such gnarly bad aversion to it. Had to sit in it, sit through it, I did this morning for over an hour also while in the sun. Money and taking out loans to become later one who has money seems so fucking counter intuitive. I am glad I will not be sitting with this decision for too long.
The moon came over the sea last night like magic. Soooo big and a yellow so faded and not bright it was like someone erased half of her. We sat far out on the peir and I listened to the ocean crash and just let the sound swallow me. I breathed the terror-glee of it and smelled the smell. Ahhh god I felt so clean.
Now if Danny Schmidt would just show up with my favorite song lyric ever this would be the conclusive end. To what? Just this one single prayer, which really is one small strand hard to say where it ends or where all the others begin...
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