Mars is in retrograde and of course mercury, too--which will end soon--tomorrow in fact, or maybe friday i dont remember and am more concerned, this cycle, with the new moon tomorrow/tonite anyhow bc it is january, time of super intuition for me so with this new moon it is that lovely suspended place of breathless truth that surfaces sure as air in a empty tin can.
When mars, which is my main ruling planet, retros if you're thrillseeking and dramamama and gogogo and ambitious and tempestuous and sexual and all those firey, extroverted things that a mars-full personality embodies then suddenly all that mellows, it reverses, turns its eye within. And anything no longer organically brimming with the fire of your nature dies. I mean, all of us, we're all in that kind of review right now quite naturally wandering away from old passions no longer quaking or meant to quake from inside. The planet responsible for war and fire and passion is holding still, its aspects in us are caught cradled in the spinning spindle ebb of in-this-moment time right now. Get it? All you have to do is look.
So yea, i dont know how long this will last--any of this, this blogging here, this living here, this job here, this sweet romance with the writer teacher astrology guy, this projection of all that i love in to you dear future. Cuz I want to I want to blog I want to write, I want to download about Kate and her fellow and DC and quite farms in Talbot County and 3D glasses and ESL departments and international writers and music and my crazy stupid friends. But I am as a narcissist in the depths of the inverted mirror right now so aware of the necessity of the un-necssity of self-obsession. i laugh at me. who knows what will come?? Dear dear future, dear time that i hold precious as i hold me near. Dear writing retreat by the sea. Dear one way ticket to the PNW that still has to be. Dear cousins, cousins cousins leaving, living on islands, getting married, having babies dear family so much family to get to love. Dear brother how i pray. texas? PA? I pray once that you will not then once more for peace wherever you will go. One way ticket anywhere, but so much family to show up for. My typewriter, dear typewriter you called at me all fall long and now your gone? All that, all that fucking poetry and what and where to do. Dear Baltimore, dear dear Baltimore, underground. Dear, dear home. Dear Memoirs. O holy dear Memoirs, at least those words i know. i know i know sure as the story keeps coming.
At night I dream of typing on you and wake up with the same feeling I used to get from Josh. It is chokey and fills me with delightful edge. My brother, who might be moving. Money, so much obligation to things. ESL programs and departments meant to grow. Careers. Whoever would've thought I'd make a fucking career? And Poetry, how i turned you the fuck off again but here, from my trail-side view i see your eyes and nose poking over the hump of that cabin over there, just up the hill. Dont watch me like that, haven't you at least learned by now i never buy the bullshit lie you're dead....
God help me in all the stillness O Holy War Crown of Mars Blessed Beeeeeeee Queen i will swallow blood by my own hand before I fall down dead of the dehydrated disease....
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