It is two weeks since i've been on here, or facebook, or email, and i am cleaned out in a whole way, unhinged and totally not who i was looking for which makes this crystalline little sparkle tent of me all the more pure and sweet. it wasn't planned to put the e-stuff on halt but god when i did make the spontaneous decision WHAT A HUGE RELIEF. i didn't realize how blogging and writing too is work. i took two full weeks OFF. the snow came the night of my last day of work and it came and came it just poured but of course snow doesn't pour it just twirly floats so softly silent in the air. and O, that Holy Halt that she the mama made us all take. the whole day all i did was stay in my pajamas drink hot chocolate take naps and a bath and watch movies and it was glorious, and decadent like in a way i dream of but dont remember because that kind of wishful sleep is just sooo soo deep.
And somewhere in the middle of all that i made it clear to me: done done done for the rest of the year. I AM DONE!!!!!!!! nothing left after the longessssst of long years, after all that passed and changed and fell away and all in me that was broken and maybe never will be fixed. NOTHING!!!but to celebrate the new ground that i worked so hard to break. and i am hear, and have done nothing but celebrate this new ground for the past two weeks.
O, remarkable blessings and celebrations, o Holiday Wish List i didn't even ask for cuz actually i already had it all along:
1. day after almost two feet of snow-fall and do i stay in my saggybutt longjohns and make coffee and sit up all day long and read? no that is my neighbor out there i hear shovelling i will go help her instead. we shoveled four hours in full her, me and the other lady all three of us single gals. helping the other out. we took each other out for lunchand celebration the same day bc the one gal's mom had four wheel drive. when we came home i helped another neighbor shovel out and also gave her daughter the makings for a snoman, which the little girl named after me: kelly the sno-grl. champion of neighborhood fellowship and gleaning cold cheer.
2. winter solstice walsh and sammy g and a new lovely easton friend nicole. we walked the streets of easton filled with snow. i prayed a long long while to a very old tree and to the cold, clear and starry air. later, before they went home, i made us all open our hearts where the energy buzz of ether transmutes. to open the high centers for harmonious in-walking flow. low stability of ego and security and regularly routed currents of emotional response shimmer shimmer shimmer just because it's dark means not that it exists separate from gold. ground your own currents low chakras our earth's response. i made us lift which embarrasses most people to be allowed to feel truly good. literally stretching our arms up and opening our chests in courage to the coming light. sky's the limit as the season of growing and dying and recycling and release goes on and goes and goes.
3. 35 years ago dad and his four brothers and two sisters and his dad and mom in south baltimore pulled their money and invited all their friends to bring liquor bottles and hotcrocks of food to the roland terrace democratic club for a mcmullen family and friends christmas party. in 1994 we had the last one bc the next year gram got real real sick with the sadness and what we didn't know yet was an inoperable brain tumor and the family was terribly beat down by this, her in the heart of our home in SoBa on church street where we grew up with so much love but so catatonic now with the depression and nothing we could do. so dad and mom had the party at mom's place in annapolis and that was the final year. so the following year 96 i invited all my friiends, and my brother sean his, and we started the next generation of party's and lemme tell you through that first christmas that i was clean which woulda been 2000, those parties were off the chain shitshows of sooo soo much fun. then after i got clean sean took them over and this year's party down in fells in baltimore was unreal fun to me particular to A)mandy and shannon my old homegrls coming out and all my grl cousins who mandy and shannon and i used to slumber party with when the cousins were little little girls; and B)wrighty and wally, my bro's two best friends of decades and the late night diner catching up and laughing forever and how, how much i love those guys and am so so blessed with family who are friends
4. next day christmas eve i got to grandma's for our family tradition of eating her sickening homemade enchilladas that make my mouth water whenever i even mention them and then laying around, like 12 or 15 of us, laughing a whole whole lot in their teeny little fifty's style living room. but before i could get to the food grandma pulled me in the back to her bedroom. and her eyes shined like i have never ever seen them and mom and i agreed later that this is because this year, for the first time in her life, grandma got to be the center of attention the weekend she turned 80. so with her shiny re-lit eyes and the most secret way of tenderest hummingbird winking stilled and smiling little motored wings, she showed me clothing she'd fished out that she wore and had saved all the way back from when she was my age. i had tears of salty disbelief for this woman's spirit it made me choke on happiness not grief. because she asked me to model them for her. and i did, we did: we surprised the rest of the family later that day with an impromptu fashion show. we all smiled and cried a lot because of how my grandma beamed. i was more honored than perhaps i've ever been.
5. the day after christmas when we celebrate with dad's family i woke up in ocean pines because us, me mom dad and sean were hosting this year. over 30 of the mc's. there was much drinking and fellowship and so, so much fun. the next day we woke up and i ran to the back to wake up my cousins by jumping on the bed which is what i've done for 25 years. then sean said, pancakes? and i got up and started to fry eggs and ham. it was the last morning we would all awake together in the same house: dad bought out uncle tim and aunt mary and so for the first time since 2002 my mom and my dad have a place to live. and they are living together. and sean and i and mom and dad for the first time in many many many many years are weirdly a family again. we all ate together, breakfast at the big table and then me and my cousins went to town, to the surf shop and then the beach because for many years together we have lived in our warm family cocoon and i think we needed to trust that it still we be the same, even if it changes.
6. that nite sushi and a movie with a very sweet guy. "a date."
7. the next nite, i, who have been budgeted to the dollar for months now took myself shopping. and it was fabulous. no. other. word. for. it. and then up til 5:45 packing. and being crazily surprised.
8. then! on to conneticut where my best friend from college katie lives and who i hadn't seen since the summer and i love her so much i had no clue how very much there was of me missing her inside one of the many little troves of treasure in my heart. and as always, after only a nite with her i was already whole and full again like myself, like i forget who and how i can be, just from being with her. then it snowed and it was new years eve and we drove forever to atlantic city to meet laura walsh and dress up and look like hot, hot grls like we truly are. and have so so much fun. then the next day new years day mandy called my best friend from forever and she was on her way to AC too, right after katie left on the train and walsh drove away. and the only thing i didn't get to do the night before was learn craps and when she got there next thing you knew we were at the table and i was learning from two DC lawyers how to play, one was sexy and one was not. and i love atlantic city for all the many many different types of people and all the lights and also for the sea. and me, and my girls, my fabulous fabulous every one of us single hot looking and truly diamond-full girls. i got home late late last nite and fell right to sleep.
And this morning i though of grandma and her two piece peach-colored knit suit and how proud her eyes were shined and how teary grateful my eyes were too and it's silly but i thought of 40 years from now, 2050, when i'll be 72. 72! And so i put the funny newyears crown and plastic light up cup that me and walsh and katie each had, purple of course cuz that's the womyn color of pwer and grace, in a scrap-box meant for memories, with hopes not of keeping it forever but of someday touching someone special to me not yet known by passing it on~~
And two weeks now of barefeet dancing in the dirt of my new ground, celebrating my hard hard fought for new life. And now I will lay down and rest and be covered under again by new dirt and snow. And moist and in sleep I will disintegrate again once more into the very land once decorated my feet. I as earth, as soil tilled by own hand, after long rest and silence of reflection, will grow. I will grow, I will grow and will grow I will grow grow grow again.
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