slow

She's been in treatment 75 days a friend tells me talking about someone she cares deeply about It takes what it takes i say, gentle as possible then try to give the words to what that is like, the subtle realizatoin that recovery is a life time thing, about how til you get this you may as well still be in denial

a lifetime thing is not so easy to get because you're never truly going anywhere it's just you and there you always are, there is no pinnacle or final max you're always always in the middle somewhere. and especially now, how it takes different forms. i started on salary june 1 it was the day i got back from ten days of the road and meditation when the real work come to me in actual physical form, i had before then totally decided to slow my flow but when june 1 got here and i got back from vacay and back to the work of 9 to 5 but for me in my job that's never what it looks like, they the institution not just the college one but the larger one beyond, they really do they have me cuz now for the first time cuz they foot my bills

i never realized when they say job security the security part is actually a real thing

and how change always sends me loopty, trying again to assimilate to the balance within

anyhow i went out this morning and stood in the sun calf-deep in the lawn so green and the air was light and felt like the most gorgeous dress i could ever own. and all i've done since june 1 got here is work on close-out, year-end paper work every waking day and when i've had even a second to spair i've been healing in the saltwater floating along on the miracle glorious of the ocean's bob. lots of lots of salt to heal.

momma and i had our own thing and dad too but he doesn't know it and never will. and finally yesterday two things happened, i finished looking at my side completely in the Real Work it was a long and intensive process and for all those weeks i had to be correspondingly 15, 16, 17, 12, 3 and 32. and it was hard so hard i even forgot what i was doing. and also, yesterday i finally closed out the paperwork for all my students this year, five whole weeks it took me 21 classes so much so much so much of my time. and today i owe my first 20 pages to erika, and am excited for it, cant believe this looks like "When..."

it takes what it takes i tell myself. i stand earth deep and feel the breeze, eyes closed let the sun sink deep in to me. i am opening, i am doing it, this is what it looks like, my time to heal. to open whole and deep like that is two feel as much as you can. i dont like how this feels, all the selfhate i been running from, the mama all about me a salve to cleanse my wounds gentle gentle now precious daughter you can do it i believe in you... i dont like it at all and sometimes it's easier just to numb, soldier marching, and force your way through. it takes what it takes. i miss my friends.

til june 1 it was all tapestry unfolding and resolute awareness: Me! then the whir the heaviness the fast kicked in.

i am slowing down, again.