slow

She's been in treatment 75 days a friend tells me talking about someone she cares deeply about It takes what it takes i say, gentle as possible then try to give the words to what that is like, the subtle realizatoin that recovery is a life time thing, about how til you get this you may as well still be in denial

a lifetime thing is not so easy to get because you're never truly going anywhere it's just you and there you always are, there is no pinnacle or final max you're always always in the middle somewhere. and especially now, how it takes different forms. i started on salary june 1 it was the day i got back from ten days of the road and meditation when the real work come to me in actual physical form, i had before then totally decided to slow my flow but when june 1 got here and i got back from vacay and back to the work of 9 to 5 but for me in my job that's never what it looks like, they the institution not just the college one but the larger one beyond, they really do they have me cuz now for the first time cuz they foot my bills

i never realized when they say job security the security part is actually a real thing

and how change always sends me loopty, trying again to assimilate to the balance within

anyhow i went out this morning and stood in the sun calf-deep in the lawn so green and the air was light and felt like the most gorgeous dress i could ever own. and all i've done since june 1 got here is work on close-out, year-end paper work every waking day and when i've had even a second to spair i've been healing in the saltwater floating along on the miracle glorious of the ocean's bob. lots of lots of salt to heal.

momma and i had our own thing and dad too but he doesn't know it and never will. and finally yesterday two things happened, i finished looking at my side completely in the Real Work it was a long and intensive process and for all those weeks i had to be correspondingly 15, 16, 17, 12, 3 and 32. and it was hard so hard i even forgot what i was doing. and also, yesterday i finally closed out the paperwork for all my students this year, five whole weeks it took me 21 classes so much so much so much of my time. and today i owe my first 20 pages to erika, and am excited for it, cant believe this looks like "When..."

it takes what it takes i tell myself. i stand earth deep and feel the breeze, eyes closed let the sun sink deep in to me. i am opening, i am doing it, this is what it looks like, my time to heal. to open whole and deep like that is two feel as much as you can. i dont like how this feels, all the selfhate i been running from, the mama all about me a salve to cleanse my wounds gentle gentle now precious daughter you can do it i believe in you... i dont like it at all and sometimes it's easier just to numb, soldier marching, and force your way through. it takes what it takes. i miss my friends.

til june 1 it was all tapestry unfolding and resolute awareness: Me! then the whir the heaviness the fast kicked in.

i am slowing down, again.

"Our lives are at once

...ordinary and mythical. This is how writers must think, this is how we must sit down with pen in hand."

Thus here i meet myself again at this well of me, hypersensitive to this life of me, to the living of me, the daily runnings of in and out, the overflowing, how scary to confront this me all alone, literally, in the dark...how self-centered i am!! we all are! only that the artist knows enough to tell on herself, or else to pretend with one eye shut that it's not true but only claim as much for the funny peep-hole belief, the lie we tell ourselves! that beneath the guise it's for the good of all things, ahhh and so arrogantly call it our Work. and me with the dastardly fights and excuses near the end, aaah pity for, pity of self-obsessed infinitely transmuting me. blessed self-obsession verses self-relief. o world, i dub thee Gold and Bought and Boundless, precious excess of unexamined extreme

thursday

i crept in to your room through your window one night you didnt know it your back was to me mine was to the roof you were looking at my pictures and didn't know that i was there

i saw what you were doing

the moon sees all the city how she moans and sleeps her eyes are always open in the morning i wrote you a poem it ended in grief why's life always like a mourning song? the river is warmer and sweeter for this pain

without him
without any of the hims
or even shes or
what could be's

Mama, i love you,
dance with me

On The Makings Of A Book

erika i would call you but i know you are carolina by now.

and vacation is important and from the looks of it you are getting what you need and thank you so much for the message beneath the moon. your sons look like you especially the oldest one he has an energy of you that i could tell even by looking at a picture from behind

i wrote pages on pages, it turns out it was introduction~good clean stuff too about ghosts but that's not really what it was about it was real, non-fiction and sharp with no nonsense about the points and i was proud of it and up til one every nite this week

then last night my computer it just died on me.

and of course i didn't back any of it up which really i know better it was just so late the other nite and my eyes were so bleary with the tired

i was on the phone with dell for one hour this morning before i got cut-off, then 16 minutes when i called back on hold. and it is not usually my style to yell but i did and with the articulate cut in my voice that i have seen shrink people at their knees. finally i hung up without getting anywhere and with the angry that is so sad there is not even any crying.

i drove all the way to town to the employment office to get my work computer to keep going. i cant quit now, it is all i have. i cant. quit. now.

as to my blog every nite late after i write i see this new blog it is black with pink screen and it is a way for me to let out the primal flow that curves and ribbons through my soul that time a nite after i been so long writing, how it just continues to come and come

i am smoking cigarettes again. and staying up late, so late

after all i've lost, poetry, what would there be if it weren't for you?

Baby Steps

So, maybe this'll sound weird unless you know me. I was walking up the front steps of the porch a day or so ago at Ocean Pines and looked down and had this random thought: I need that picture of my foot to put on my blog. Then the part of me watching me is like, whaaaa? First, I barely have been blogging lately and second--my foot?? Well. It's true that feet have been something of the basis of a life metaphor for me lately--Feet dont fail me now, practicing Standing in my truth, as in sit or stand, dont wobble, and also I have been grounding a lot lately, a meditative practice that has to do specifically with the focus on the feet. Sooooo......(....sorry dear reader you know me and how i digress when it comes to serendipity...)

Earlier this eve I was enjoying an impromptu din-din with the neighbors. They have this killer spot of peace in their backyard. We were sitting in a triangle under a great shade tree watching lightening bugs and sharing sorta sad tales when surfergrl Pat heaved in all big and loud then yelled Check out the moon! Which was alive and lovely there over the sea reeds and us with the startled stuck place in our throats which happens when you forget for a second about life going on all around while you're all busy living....

Which reminded me, tomorrow is our full moon. I came home and checked out astrowisdom's moon messages to hear what medicine mama luna has for us all right now. And all I can say is holy serendipity...The past 48 hours have been a crash test for me in humility. All in the love department. That's all I will say about that other than to express once again gratitude to LIFE and LOVE which are GOD to me for affirming through the moonwisdompage that all is just as it is meant to be. Serendipity has a way of saying When....and after two long days of that experience myself, I read her message on there and felt my spirit go ahhhhh. And most of all, the part about baby steps stood out. And self-love being active, not just an idea. It was a good affirmation, a nudge and nod about how loving ones self means owning all of your self, the good and the not so good stuff you dont want to see....

Be well dear friends. Beeee happpyyyyyyyy. Be luna-lushous.

I'm so blessed. So are you. Read about it and see in to your soul. Then go out and get a soak in the moon. And practice your own little footwork towards love and truth.