A brand new chance

It's been a long day.  I just remembered that I left to see my first client at 7:30 this morning.  That feels like it was last week.

There are heavy, heavy things going on with people I love.

It makes me feel sad which I can handle but today sad is edging near lonely, which is the shadow side of appreciating a handmade life all your own.  That part doesn't feel good.

I had a meltdown about my thesis and feeling like there is no way what I am writing is good enough.  It is profound to me, the depths of self-doubt I have around raising my voice and valuing the Women's Mysteries as something real and valid and profound.

Erika of course came through with her wisdom and words.

This is the part where I pause and remind myself--feeling curled up around the edges is old self-care which means I have started to slide with managing my basic needs.  This can happen ten times a day.  And does.  To all of us.  Can we stay close and present when we see it?  That's the thing….

Saturday I spent at a beach clean-up then at Aliso Creek for snorkeling and sunset bonfire fun. There is nothing that relaxes me like the elements.  A long salt soak.  The way fire unwinds the muscles, makes the soul softly sing.  How surf pounds on the sand in the dark steadies the beat of your heart.

Sunday I acted a fool with Alison at Sharkeez from breakfast time til literally after the sun went down.  Somehow all that golden time of fun seems far off in the background now.

Brian writes and says he wishes we had smart phones when we were kids to have caught the goofy stuff we did.  Like our old renditions of Stand By Me.  That knocks me back to 6th grade, he woulda been in 3rd, when that was our major jam.  Somehow it is November again, the end of the year closes in.   It is time to shut this computer: STEP AWAY FROM THE SCREEN!  and let the day bring its quiet end.

Cuz then comes tomorrow, its new experience of present tense.  A brand new chance at joy and choosing love, once again~

On The Makings Of A Book

erika i would call you but i know you are carolina by now.

and vacation is important and from the looks of it you are getting what you need and thank you so much for the message beneath the moon. your sons look like you especially the oldest one he has an energy of you that i could tell even by looking at a picture from behind

i wrote pages on pages, it turns out it was introduction~good clean stuff too about ghosts but that's not really what it was about it was real, non-fiction and sharp with no nonsense about the points and i was proud of it and up til one every nite this week

then last night my computer it just died on me.

and of course i didn't back any of it up which really i know better it was just so late the other nite and my eyes were so bleary with the tired

i was on the phone with dell for one hour this morning before i got cut-off, then 16 minutes when i called back on hold. and it is not usually my style to yell but i did and with the articulate cut in my voice that i have seen shrink people at their knees. finally i hung up without getting anywhere and with the angry that is so sad there is not even any crying.

i drove all the way to town to the employment office to get my work computer to keep going. i cant quit now, it is all i have. i cant. quit. now.

as to my blog every nite late after i write i see this new blog it is black with pink screen and it is a way for me to let out the primal flow that curves and ribbons through my soul that time a nite after i been so long writing, how it just continues to come and come

i am smoking cigarettes again. and staying up late, so late

after all i've lost, poetry, what would there be if it weren't for you?