Like we were fairy blue

I don't know why it happened here but an outbreath just left me feeling soaked in and comfortable, almost relaxed, for the first time in over a week.  This is the coffee shop I used to ride my bike to all the time when I first moved here to Southern California back in February.  I remember the first time I sat in this comfy chair, with a poem book in my lap to put the peacock light on inside me (to reference--for Erika--Millay.)  Maybe that's why my soul nudged me here today.  Because it feels like a home base.  Where a keystone is set so that I can take pause.  And try to...breathe.

That was the most intense several weeks I have lived in a really long time.  Moving then Mary dying, getting accepted to school, then trying to prepare for school and beginning to teach at night, then school.  School.  Woaaaah school.  What the hell just happened?

In our group process session on Sunday I got all fidgety and couldn't sit still in my seat, next thing I was standing under the rafters out back of Pacifica where the whisper breeze lingers then stops with these two women in my group. Sobbing.  This feels like a blood clot, all I could think, a little spot of purple rot stuck in my heart trying to get out my throat, and it went all the way back to when I left my job at Chesapeake, that deep and devastating burn out.  We have to log 3000 hours of internship before we get licensed, meaning non-profits and the system all over again, and I could barely take it, the misery and reality of this.  And like that I was on the phone with Gretchen in April 2010 fumbling on my words admitting with my fool heart to her all that time I believed I could change it.   Feeling so embarrassed to say this out loud.

So that's in-depth, soul psychology.  Recognizing all change happens only within.  Woooooaaaah and here I go.

I swam Saturday night in the dark of the Equinox, the balance held.  For the first time on the West Coast, a night swim!  With my new friends from grad school. Covered in moonstruck phosphorescence like we were fairy blue. I am so grateful, already, for them.

Fly to Austin in less than two days.  Cousin Kate, ohhh!  Cousin Kate.   Then on to Maryland to be in Mandy's wedding, to officially celebrate the union of her and Dave.  I miss my family with a tremendous ache.  Doing all this, this commitment and follow through, is taking all of me.  My support system is back east and that's really hard.  I don't know what else to say.