Last night I was driving home from work. The moon was yellow behind the clouds and the air was wet and the corn was high next to the road and there were shadows coming through the stalks the kind that I am always aware of when the wind is blowing and it is fall and the corn is moving side to side.
And I was so, so happy. I have been happy, like really happy, for about the past two weeks or so. Vital. Energized and with a pure faith in the world, or in my Life. It feels nice.
I told a friend on the phone today how much my job has matured me. I have been under such high stress level at work but strangely I think it is a major part of what is contributing to my state of joy. Finish strong was the mantra Katie and I repeated again and again to each other all year long. See it, whatever it is in front of you, all the way through. Begrudgingly, bitchingly, exhaustingly I tried to, but have mercy every day is a struggle. Until about three weeks ago, when I had a moment that I just said to myself--ok, by Friday the 10th all your new enrollment has to be done, students need to be placed and teacher's prepared with this information. That is the job you are charged with, now get that shit done. And that's what I did. 10 plus hours a day I've been showing up and getting that shit done. Committed to the work in front of me instead of fretting over how little else I have time for in my life. And by accepting it, and not fighting it, that commitment freed up all this energy. This crazy poetry and light that's been pulsing me and keeping me engaged in all the other beautiful or ugly or painful or dirty or funny parts of my life that call upon and compel me.
I mean, let's talk triumph. Yesterday all I wanted to do was write, the words were just on and on and on...but I was scheduled at the Family Support Center to enroll all these spanish-speaking young moms so it was one of those tilt-a-whirl days: every time I turned my head there was out of the side of my eye another person or demand waiting for me and if I turned my full attention towards it there too was then a new sideeye demand now again awaiting me, and my break never came and then it was 6:30 and a friend was there for dinner and we drank coffee late and talked like we were the sun.
Then I was driving home and I was so gratified it was late the day started early with a quote that has always been my favorite You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...You must do the thing you can not do and so the day ended with me grinning and driving and the yellow moon and the tall wet corn. And driving along I was happy, and realized how much time I've spent like this: happy. How much I've been just living in the moment of what's in front of me and awareness of this was so fine. I put my IPOD earphones in and shuffled and dont you know, the song that came on is the one that has been playing so much for me this week, the one I've been dancing around and around in my room to and jamming over and over again late night throughout the house reveling in the glory of living alone. And I thought yes this is my theme song right now. This is my theme song and I am so digging getting to actively star in my own life.
Then! Then then then, what with the ear phones and me behind the wheel so that more than the beat I was in to the lyrics, I heard what I thought was the line--and by now I was grinning and laughing out loud--All along the Eastern Shore and I'm like, no way. No way did he just say All along the Eastern Shore... I mean, the only words I know for sure of this song are the repeated Do what you feel now so no way could it also actually have a line about the Eastern Shore. I mean--what?? The Eastern Shore of Maryland is of course here, here where I came for college, here where I fell in love and stayed. Here, where I then took a job, and have stayed and stayed some more....It is my hell, and again and again, my divinityfacingPower.
Ha! These (cuzin Erin) are the lyrics of verse two to Electric Feel:
All along the Eastern Shore
Put Your circuits in the sea
This is what the world is for
Making electricity
You can feel it in your mind
Oh you can do it all the time
Plug it in and change the world
You are my electric girl
Teee heeee. I am childlike, full with wonder. And joy.
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