You know, like from Peter Pan?

I left Jan's and had tacos then got Starbucks and got on the road.  On the 73 the veins in my forehead were so thick I think you could jump them like rope. Like tangle them out from underneath my skull bone or apart from the muscle up there and use them for sidewalk games.  That's what traffic feels like.  Trying to untangle the jumprope jarble from my brain.

I'd been so calm too--what the hell is all this red brake light on the toll road?  The whole damn reason they make an elitist toll system through the rich part of south county is so entitled brats like me don't have to deal.  Just eww.  No I didn't actually think that last part that's just me making fun of the southern cali-chick in me. Elitist.  Entitled. White.  Bratty-ass.  Chicken.  Me.

Anyhow.  I really do have issues with road rage but I haven't in a long time.  The way the 73 runs up and down the coastal hills is like a smooth finger along the backbone of the land and feeling her long slow in then out--up then down--breath touches me in that inside place that hummms with quiet rest.  The moon fat and white to my left. I love that stretch of road.  It's why I originally moved to Laguna. Almost three years ago now…or anyhow come May. I had to take the toll road for an ESL conference to San Diego and was wowed by the rolling canyon up-downs.  Green expanse this side of the 405 with no construction and dirt hiking paths?  Woah what is this magic land?  I didn't know a thing about Laguna.  I'd only been there once, and that was dancing.  And it was dark.

Jan said some stuff near the end of our session though and I guess it pissed me off.  That's the part that challenges me as a therapist.  My job isn't to tell you what to do, or how to think, or any of that.  My job is to help you feel understood.  Truly seen, witnessed for what's true in you.

In this way you get to become stronger in who you really are.

And my point today to my therapist was that Wendy, you know like from Peter Pan?  Wasn't just the mama in that story. She didn't just play the good girl role, in fact she got to explore never having to grow up, too.  She got to have all the same fun as the lost boys and Peter Pan.  And that's a hell of a lot fun…So it's not all just stunted, to be enchanted by Never never land.  It would be if Wendy didn't know all the subtleties of her role.

But if she does?  Does that mean Never never land is still in control? If Wendy is exploring parts of herself, a conscious choice of subversiveness?  I got all triggered because I didn't feel like my therapist heard my point.  I told her as much, and now I am sitting here wondering: so is it Jan's job to align and hear where I, speaking for me back then, as a wild grl Peter Pan teen, stood?  Or to challenge adult me now?

And is there truth in her point, since I'm pissed?  That I still love for the enchantment to take control?  And if that's a role she's gonna take with me, to challenge me--how do I feel about that, working with clients, challenging them?

Is it something I'd want them to leave with…to have bulging out their brains?  I trust her, a lot.  And am willing to ride this to see where it leads.  I drove to see my clients, with that rope-vein jumping like nuts outta my head.  I chose to just focus on a secret I know about, which is were all crazy, just working it out in our own ways.  And working it out or covering it up or whatever we each do looks different for us, each and every one.  All of us have our own very unique styles of crazy-management.  It's a wonder we make it from day to day.

Tonight I for one am happy that at least for today, I didn't ram in to the back of any cars.  I actually laughed at myself freaking over a couple brake lights, running those up-downs, grateful to have a bank account, a means to afford a fast track, the little unspoken gifts that made it so I wasn't in traffic on the 405.  And now, it feels good--I like how you're there waiting for me, like you used to be, sweet ol familiar blank screen.