Like I always do

Laguna.  It's like a whole new experience of being in California for the first time. A whole new bottomless new, all over again.  It felt impending as it got closer, full of locked dark fear, now I know why.  Paul came with Jill, Derynn helped me all day Friday, I try to concentrate on the grace of alignment and the little pleasures and joys and peace of place...and home?  I can walk to a world-known artfest.  There are trees out the window of my loft I can touch because in California no windows have screens.  There are private beaches and hippies and long-dressed ladies, rolling hills that remind me of Sonoma and nightime canyon air.   The arcs of earth twinkle like sighs or breath.  There is a friendliness here that I haven't found any place else on the West Coast.  Last night at a Mexican restaurant a man name Pete talked to me for an hour about Laguna's what what and all the where's.  I was grateful for the contact but left before I got teary because gay and emotional as Pete was proud to be it still would've been too much for him.  Since he was a stranger I'd just laughed a lot with over carnitas, afterall.

I got my keys for this place on Wednesday, got accepted to grad school that day, it was also my year anniversary of arriving to Cali.  I was riding glee and high.  Mike and I went out which was planned as a catch up not a celebration so it turned timely and perfect.  I am glad I have him right now--I needed Sean my brother all weekend and Mike who lives just north of me here was the best man in his wedding and just knowing he is here continues to anchor me.  And this weekend which has shown me again how quick it is that the spheres of earth can move...it is impossible to not feel isolated which is wickedly different than the cleanly feeling of alone.

Finally Sean and I spoke this morning.  I was sleepless at 5, could think only of surfing because I guess the flat surfaces and quiet slants of nighttime color where I sleep felt a lot in my mind like the ocean in the early morning, when all colors seem to emanate from and back to the same shade.  My brother and I who are psychic our whole lives with each other it was true came to each other today at dawn with things we only could understand together.  He was trying to communicate to Jamie and I to Mike it turned out the same stuff, though it was something he and I barely needed words with one another to get.

I don't want to teach today.  I want to be headed east.  I'm going to need a boyfriend I think I need someone who's just there.  I had five dates with a guy who disappeared after I wouldn't have sex.  I had two dates with a different guy who disappeared entirely the day after telling me he wanted to really get to know me and try to "do this thing."  I am tired.  I am thinking of my family and of my strength and how weak I feel and how sometimes what makes us who we are is not the beautiful part, but the pain.  How these so often line up with seemingly no reason.  Sean sent me a picture of a butterfly that landed on his brother-in-laws finger after they'd talked heart to heart about the mysteries in life.  I will choose the mystery, gratefully, which is what I always do.

It will take a while for my soul and heart tho.  Mysteries can hurt like hell.