He lives in Hollywood now and he knew me when love was easy as giggling. My heart was whole and pure once and I trusted it and never gave it's direction any doubt and this was that last and final time, before the feeling of broken or thinking too much, before I felt afraid. We talk for hours, we laugh until I have no breath and have to take my sunglasses off to wipe at my eyes. We talk about Kevin and the memories are so tender at the edge it makes it hard for me to believe I ever let myself stop feeling that way.
We were kids. He tells me he remembers when we first met when he was 13. That I was with Konan at the Fractured Prune. This makes sense, they had the best donuts in town and Ko and I were going up the alley by that age to buy cigarettes at the Quality Inn from the machine. They cost a buck then.
I tell him about when I first met Kev. I was 12. He worked the Beach Club back when they still had video games. He bummed a smoke. Kevin's been gone 5 years. Last week was the anniversary and that night I put a pic up of us on FB not knowing it was his memorial day. I got teary when Ryan told me yea Wednesday was his date I thought you knew that and then we wowed low and quiet for a minute sure as we have been a few different times that Kevin's the one reuniting us. Then we told more stories and laughed and sniffled some more. Ryan was his best friend. I asked him remember that time you guys came up to a rave with me and we stayed with my mom and you never broke Beavis and Butthead the whole entire time and ma thought there was something wrong with you two? We laugh that hysterical crying laugh that only the oldest friends do.
He tells me stories that happened in the years in-between. I can literally see them. I can see the faces Kevin made, his wide or black star eyes, see the postures Ryan took as he gives me each detail. He's a story-teller and a carny and most of all one of the old school beach boys and talking to him is like finding a part of myself I knew for a long time was real but then eventually one day just decided had been made up all along. It's like proving myself right after convincing myself for so long I wasn't. A feeling of peace that matters finally and only to me. I just never ever thought I could talk about this stuff again. Not with someone who was so immediately right there. I feel so grateful. I feel so living--in this certain kind of brand new way.
Kevin James was my friend since we were 12 and my love for a little while during a time that most people call the best summer of their life. I loved him. We shared the sweetest innocent romance and it was the last good and pure thing I ever had. It was too sad and too far gone, too hard to think of til now. I loved him with that dumb happy headless fury we love with at 18. The memories are endless and I didn't even know they were there, all lined up side by side in some lost little corner of this sorta busted heart. Who knew? I feel him live as if he were here.
Life is funny. That's all.
 |
| Me and Ryan, 1995 |
Kev and me, 1995. Ocean City, MD.
3 comments:
What a beautiful retrospective my friend :-)
*sigh*
thanks you two ;)
Post a Comment