Something new and beautiful

In front of my house where I park my car on the street there are two towering trees one is a pine and one is a palm.  I always said I would live at the beach with pine trees in my front yard.  When I pulled up tonight I got out of the car and had that unglued feeling, not a bad one, just this sense of not being connected to the moment, like there was a barrier between me and the edges of things.  I paused in the yard, its many shades of dark almost-black greens.  Checked myself, I wasn't just peaceful, not just content.  I actually feel happy, deeply satisfied.  Why were the outlines such a blur?

You got in your car and drove to California and now you live in Orange County and teach for a living.  I literally said this to myself, standing there, laptop in one hand empty coffee cup in the other.  The night blue sky.  Then I laughed, sort of out loud, because I forget sometimes that that's what I did, so caught up am I in the life I live now.  That was 9 months ago...it feels like an entire other world.

And so what happened tonight, out there in the yard after subbing for the evening class at school, was me catching myself in between phases...the old life and who I was behind me now, the forward and what will be entirely on the verge.  And me, for a millisecond, aware that I am in between.  Changing again, in a soft and gentle, entirely real way.  Changes that on a personal level I wasn't even aware had to be made.  Mom said to me today on the phone just look at all you've done in the past year, look how far you've come.  I used to be able to see, to see that rearview really easily.   But it's blurred now, and I am creative, and thoughtful, and layered in the richest ways.  I dive deep within, so that I can not see myself from the middle--unable as we are to look in on what we're looking at because we're busy looking.  Right!?  Periodically I dip and dive under and into myself, I resurface with something new and beautiful, or recycled and valuable, re-earthed from the endless depths of the cycles and processes of me.  It's so common for me to bridge both these inner and outer experiences of my self that full months will pass without me noticing that that's what's going on.  It is the most beautifully natural thing in the world, it is human, it will never end, and I am thankful I got a glimpse of it tonight.  I am at it again.  I can't see where I am at or where I am going.

But I know for sure I'm on my way.