Til I was just triggered enough

Life is a Carnival by The Band was playing when I parked the car, that music for a long time reminded of Brandon but in the past two years makes me think of my cousin Ed.  I love WRNR in Annapolis and have listened to it literally since the nineties when HFS first went corporate.  RNR repeats songs a lot and there are a lot of commercials, but the bands are independent or undiscovered or alternative, and the commercials are always local because that's what they rely on: local support to play real music.

I try not to be, but it's true. I'm a snob.

The thing about that song playing is that Eddie had just called me, I was in the parking lot at Marshalls waiting to hear from Amy when he did, and said he had the day off where was I?  Well I was getting ready to head to the coffee shop to write, where was he?  About to head to Annapolis, he said, to spend money on things he doesn't need and then hit a coffee shop to do some reading and writing.

Well, guess we better meet up...

Dad and I left the beach this morning at 6 am.  We drove to his job the whole way on 50, and  got off where the New Carrolton station is so I could have his car.  On Sunday he got me in Philly from the train and drove me to the beach.  Yesterday mom talked to me a long time about the magic I am trying to make in my life right now, and the luckiest thing in the world, in the world must be the conscious choice of the two people who made you fully supporting every choice you choose in making your self.

I am endlessly, emotionally, wordlessly thankful.

Amy has arrived unto herself, it is something I have had the pleasure of getting to watch and celebrate.  After hanging up with her I called up Jott, mostly to acknowledge the same thing in her.

My life is so good I often don't know what really there is to say...

In my backpack are two books snagged from Katie, they're both Kerouac and they both lit the holy light in me when reading the intros.  One by Creeley, one by McClure.  So I read in her kitchen in my pajamas,   drinking tea while the cold Connecticut air drafted through the window next to me.  I read til I was just triggered enough, then closed the books, tucked them in my pack, made a date in space with myself, in the heart of things, that meant-to-be place.

Because I'm up here where I grew up, because I drove 50 passed the exit for Crofton this morning, because of RNR, I've been doing a lot of remembering.  I left in 1998.  Homelessness, for years after, haunted me.  It's the clouds, the music maybe, the gray-blue of the sky.  The air, absolutely mean today.  For all my wordlessness there feels like a lot to say.

My in my space with my self space is the best.  It's made all and totally of love.  Eddie's not here yet, so as for my date, today's the day.