SponDown. On reaching goals, and hulahooping

The sunshine is what woke me, yellow light through the house and it was only 7 am.  I slept all night on the couch, which I almost never do and it felt like a treat because Tuesday is my Saturday morning one of the two days of the week that my alarm doesn't go off at 4:45 so if I want to stay up late playing sonar til I pass out in front of the TV I can.

Now it's gorgeous out, I was thinking I would go running before I drive to Salisbury so Chico can finish my tattoo. I spent almost three hours fucking around on facebook and the endless zoom of the intraweb, which felt good just letting my brain work it all out that schedule schedule discipline of working two jobs in the service industry hello hello how can i help you oh let me get that for you mam oh no thank you SMILE SMILE LAUGH GENTLE (take it easy) yep you bet, have a great day.

Tribe was the first song on my Pandora, I am full with the things that make me full.  I am heartened by the heart that makes me love, I am loving the loves that hearten my loving heart.  I am full with my life, it is not even mid-March, it is sunny out, there is good music there are great fun frieds who are wild and learning to be wilder still and the first part of my book is done.  The first part of my book is DONE!

I can't believe I am going to say this because for some reason Jay-Z is my fave hiphopper to hate on which has nothing to do with him and most definitely goes back to funny teasy rivalry with my brother, soooo: D.O.A. and the guitar in it is siiick.   The serendipity of that is that it is a song against using the auto-tuner, which just lately I learned from my boy Ben is the mechanical device used to correct pitch and loop voice samples and so forth and that makes me sick, and is what I hate about contemporary music.  All the contemporary music shit and tv shit and so forth.  WHERE the hell is original thought original anything?  People are scared of originality (same ol boring ass story: people are SCARED of themselves.  People will always thusly fear what is sacred. ) I am mad in to rock and roll right now.  Last week we went to the Pub in town the one on 8th street which back in the day was sorta seedy but since the renovations is the place to be and the women rocked the shit out of that place and I felt so happy to be a grrrl, to be in to music as a grrrl hearing the grrrls who're also in to music and performance and their own bright shine, to be on top of my life, to have turned in 34 pages the day before to Erika.  That night kicked off four of running of lots of work and just little tiny snips of sleep.  My dad says "I'll sleep when I'm dead!" so maybe its an in the genes kinda thing.

Last night I told Terra I better get out of the way before I step on a small kid with my stilleto, we were at a baby shower for our friend and coworker and I had just set down the dip I made on to the table.  Stilletos and dip that's about what I have to offer a baby shower, that and the wise wild wisdom but it wasn't a gathering quite like that so I was just dressed up, clearly single, kid-less, and pretty in spring pink.  My other single gal friends were similar, on the outskirts, some drunk.  There are a lot of us and I guess the reason I am happy to be pretty and single in spring pink is because I went through this whole baby thing, after the marriage thing in the fall, this is because of course I am going to be an aunt, and each time some new tribal "next" gets tossed in to the ring I have to run the gauntlet of my self to make sure I am on the correct, or at least feeling mostly sure of the course in my life over which I am traveling, at least in this moment, being who I am. Thusly making happy the heart and loves of my life that equate what I "want."

And isn't that it, what we want, and it's funny little recipe made from what we love and who we seem to think we are or try to be.  After seeing Cindy the other week I was brought so clearly back to when I lived in Chestertown and was always, always on the go but not ever engaged in my daily acts, in my moments to moments.  Never having time to stop and chit chat head always running towards the next thing the next the...and most of all always with the underlying pressing feeling pushing me on gogogo by that feeling that there was something else which needed to get done, always this highwired tightness of not being able to relax and feel comfortable.  Never being able to find lasting comfort.  That is so, so gone now and I knew I've felt different for quite a while, peaceful and on solid ground instead of on the run, but it wasn't until my visit with Cin that I saw it for what it was.  That unsettled runningness comes up for peaked moments sure, when and only if I get in a self-hate frenzy of questioning where I am at right now or being too hard on myself.  But there is such adequate, simple relief found even in the challenging middle ground place between meeting and working towards my goals:   I have taken the time to identify what I want by being true to who I am and what I love.  So now I just take the time to engage each day moment to moment by being her.  I have goals and can relax and enjoy life as I be the woman bringing them to fruit.  It's so different, so real and bliss-full to live whole, right where you are.

It's a full life, my hours are busier than they probably ever were in Chestertown, but my energy is fulfilled and that's all the difference.  That is all to say about that now my head is sort of cleaned of original thought and also Dynamite by The Roots is on so I think I want to get up and hulahoop a while now.