I dance sober...

(and swim naked...)

When I was in Oregon travelling around my active witnessing and intention-setting involved figuring on how to take the wide open travel-ready willingness, the heart-open magic that leads in such even serendipity when one is on the road, and harnessing it in order to live with that same trust and openness, that same easy reliance and inner sanctum of softness when I returned home.

The thing about harnessing is that it always involves a period of traction.

Travelling brought me naturally in to my self in a free way: I knew the easy, steady peace that no matter what my needs would be fully and richly met, and so they were... I returned home wanting so badly to know how to or to just be able to get to continue that reliance. I stepped off the plane and got stomached by the knowledge that my brother was going to move. Him, my always present one true man. Then I immediate began the reality of living with mom and dad. It all floored me: the impact, suddenly, of the reality of my family. So that quality I was determined to arise from within, that trustfull willingness, I had to act as if, to submit to the stillness inside of ground zero, to await the rising and the merge by riding the ever-present rise and fall.

I ran around in the moonlit surf last night, doing cartwheels, wilen crazy throwing beachmud them timid at first than in total running heaving abandon laughing and allowing and ducking under and crashing all around, tossing each other under, us chasing and running and turning the running back again at the water and the wind, me twirling and twirling loving the spin head up arms up sea at my knees wind in my open mouth til the stars and the sky were one. Falling backwards, going under, submit submit plummet and arise again and again again. And cartwheels! O the cartwheels and the precious solid steadiness of packed wet sand. And laid out on the beach stand when it was all done. We were soaked, wet from swimming in underwears or bare flesh or Michelle in her dress, but then quickly dried again and sleepy salt-covered bellys full from bad junkfood on the late night car ride home. This morning I could feel the fresh open breeze mom invited in through the screens. Flowing and dancing all through our house and I think it was that magic, the fall in the trees and the whisper rustle speak, that had me so early up...I was counting on sleeping in today, but that damn sun's in Aries and I woke, literally, smiling and so ready to get started on my day. It is Friday, and I am off!!!! Imagine! A day for poetry and counted on expectation of miracle and love and total in-moment goodness yet to be seen!!

And that is it, I opened myself, since coming home, to every experience I could have. I sat in stillness, just surrendered to the sudden newness of myself as much as I could and when possible I've said yes, yes yes again and again~willing myself to stay in openess to as many moments as possible, practicing the steps of trust and showing up to the day even if I wasn't actively engaged because I've learned the alchemy of action: showing faith in the harmonious belief. Choosing to embrace the spontaneous magic of the day because why not? And it has worked, I am ten years clean, I am alive! I'm alive, and free, and in-choice and the present quaking moment. Sober on August 5 having taken my last drink here in this beloved angel loving demon town in 2000 that last grand summer I lived here in my family's house. I am spending my nights out and about, dancing and shmooping and howling and hooting and being wild as I am without any provocation or substance other than the pure life force nature of me, talking and snuggling and late night secrets with young people in some cases half my age. I am riding boardwalk rides, eating boardwalk fries and my car and bed are covered in sand. I am dancing my heart out and loving men: young guys wise ones also and friends, and women and crazy grrrls, too. I am delighting in cousins and aunts and uncles and allowance and trust in love. There is this renaissance that has happened for me because it is what I chose to put myself in to...

I am so, so thankful for my young friends. 16, 17, 19 some of them! For being there to keep me connected inside to me to the freshness of life. To, strictly by their presence, pull me up and out from deep inside myself, giving me enthusiasm from that wild ageless place within to act as if until I settled again...My life is so good, I am blessed I am blessed o lord mama I am blessed.

And of course so too will all this triumph pass again in to of and with the wind...

...The crickets are here. That fine, fabulous wonderlusted yearning inner place of feeling so stuck, of being so amid the awareness of inbetweenplace, of being in the void at the center of the balance, so dripping heavy on the vine as the full moon of Lamas arised, so gradual and having again again again to give over to the ease of change, it has passed: I talked with Erika finally and last night too with Brooks and of course am ready now to begin what I must do. And the energy, thankfully, is changing. I am or at least had been so empty, so void of any pretense that I stood at the passing point, pregnant as I'd ever be with pure creativity thus brimming over I was so damn full. And so now, fall in the air as the crickets are here, leaves on fifty Worcester county some already changing yellow and red, me to Maine next Wednesday for a week to then get back and see all my new friends begin to depart, their young lives off again to colleges or hometowns and next adventures to which they will so easily and naturally return...Ah yes now it is time for me to harvest and pick and release grain from the shaft and cut crops and spin and spin and spin, now it is time for me to make gold.

O blessed sacred seiging wistful change comes with holy merge. O sacred whimsical so serious stillness of pure soft action-in-submit mystery of ever lifullness guide me unto me yet again, and amen...