It's 2:37 am. I've been up since midnight, after going to bed at 9pm with my ear so full of pressure that the bingbing-ing pain of it actually made me nauseous and sort of teary, whiny. So now I am up with no hearing, or much less feeling, in my left face, several Trisquits down my gullet and two hours worth of drymyspaceeyes. I have an 8:30 am meeting which means I'm gonna need to be "getting up" here soon, anyway in about three and a half hours or so.
Obvious sign your a dumb-ass, number 1: I took one of these IQ tests that pop-up in the margins on facebook and myspace. So I'm going along all smooth like throwing myself props like oh yea girl you got this and patting me on the back and what not, ahhh this is so easy I always knew how smart I really was yadayada. Then I get to the part that's like submit the test--which of course takes you to a page where you have to fill out all your info etc and give an email address--for which I keep one specific to any sort of Internet based billpay page/page that is likely to send me lotso spam--so, still I think nothing of it! Until next thing I am at a page with literally 25 "free" offers for things like GPS navigators and Sam's Club shopping cards, of which you are required to sign up for at least one. At this point I finally hear the dumbass bubble POP and realize that the basic test of your IQ is just how far you're willing to click in to this ridiculous maze of propaganda....uhhh duh
So, my cousin Erin's post from yesterday over at Infinite and Endless has really got me thinking. Or, more precise, she hit on a theme that has, over the past several months, had me thinking. I saw He's Just Not That Into You over the weekend. I know, I know, just what I thought: typical fluffy chicflick, right? Well, yes, to an extent. But! I was actually impressed with several of the fairly realistic tensions they were able to portray in the story lines. It ended up being so the movie really hit a chord with me. Case in point: Jen Anniston's character comes to this realization that after 7 years her man, with whom she clearly has a nice, healthy thing going, has no intention of marrying her. So she leaves. A bit later we see her trying on a bridesmaid gown for her sister's wedding. The conversation turns to being single. And then the sad puppy faces, the sour looks, the pity! Begins. All the oh don't worries you'll find someone. And she, clearly, is frustrated. Now, without giving away the ending of her little vignette (the movie has like 6 or 7, or maybe more? little co-stories going that all are some way or another inner-related among the various six degrees of character associations) I have to say how vindicated I felt seeing her vocalize this distress. She even, or so you at first think, goes through this (ok, yes, rather pro-femi to the anti-male degree) pretty nihilist reaction to the dud husbands surrounding her via her sister and girlfriends at every corner. I for one fully and totally related to this breakdown, or maybe breakthrough, of identity crisis she was undergoing.
Seriously. I can't tell you the number of times in the past four months that I have just wanted to cry out to all sorts of casual and also quite intimate relations IT'S OK!! I'M OK WITHOUT A MAN!! I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN BUT DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT THE PURSUIT OF LOVE IS NOT MY FINAL MOTIVATION OR EVEN MY HOPED FOR DESTINATION!?!? IN FACT, AT THIS POINT, IT'S NOT EVEN A MOTIVATION, AT ALL!?!?!?
So many friends and loved ones have either blatantly and/or indirectly expressed this concern and also, and of course I realize it's out of love and care, so many times there is pity, and even flat unhidden looks of downright fear for me when people hear that no, I have not worked things out with Brandon yet. It's got me so that for months now I am wandering around in this fairly numbed state of incredulity. All I can think sometimes is are there any people out there, anywhere, who do not define security and/or self-contentment by the condition of having a warm body by their side?
Yes of course I think those scary nighttime thoughts like oh dear I'm almost 32 and no kids yet...oh god what if I never get married now etc etc. I can't seem to help them it's almost like they are programmed in. But mostly I think things like wow I am so glad I dont have kids because I really, truly dont want them right now. And also how come more people dont try being single in their 30s, when they really, finally, are getting a chance to know who they are? What they like and dont like, what they want and dont...And also this thought, which I shared with Brandon about a week ago: I am aware lately how all of my life has been shaped by my saying yes to whatever is placed in front of me on my path. Yes to school, yes to jobs, yes to relationships, yes to Chestertown, yes to sobriety, yes yes yes. And none of it has been bad, but with the exception of travelling at 19, 20 and 27, I've taken very little time to actually pause and distinguish, and then choose, what I want. And so during these quiet little months of self-imposed alone time at Chop that is what I am doing. Learning to distinguish what I want, so I, who puts my heart and bones, my soul and full breath in to whatever is in front of me, can make choices as to those things that are going to receive all that energy.
It's hard sometimes, being alone here. Teena's in Thailand right now and I am sick with a gnarly earache and yucky cold. And I am certain there is a ghost, or ghosts, in this 1800's house. And lots of times I am so, so lonely. Which is different from being alone. I am very social, this is something I take for granted about myself and so, at times, forget. But I am learning my own rhythms, unique to me. When I need quiet time, fresh air, sleep, to write, to dream. I've learned to cry, a lot. This sounds melancholy maybe, but god there is nothing like a good sob to cleanse your insides out. I've learned, yet again, that to sit with fear is the opposite of submitting to it.
But I still remain puzzled by the insistence of so much of the outside world to want to see a person paired up. Lately I've even been questioning the veracity of romantic love at all. (Oh god here I go I'm really gonna say it.) I mean at the end of the day, is it anymore than just chemical reactions--hormonal--coupled with a quality of comfortability that comes in having a companion on which to rely? It all seems rather common to me.
Which brings me to my final fear, alone in the dark. What the hell's with me, that common will never ever be enough?
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