Ha ha when the people say you're still writing?What's that book about anyway? Yes I'm still writing yes I'm still writing what's it about? Well what's life about? Up to your own two eyes. Human hearts and the poetic voice oh unfair unjust world. Ha, the sun. We rose up out of the primordial goop-funk amoebic then with gills then feet then thumbs. Now voices. Sing, speak, speak the earth the roots and the moon. About this stuff. That's what it's all about. That's what all this is...
??
I walked in to my room two months ago with the vaccum cleaner in my hand and smelled the most real smell of him one of the many many hims in the long list of powerfull hyms oooops did i mean that, misspell of course of course (i have devil eyes!) i did. I have poetry leading up to this. I smelled him and laughed, there was a shadow on the wall this happens so often with the openness the other side of the creative wall that i laughed but also, angered, quick chased him off. started to rerun the vacuum then had to tell someone so of course i told kel. now this:
i have written so long, so long so long (nights at truslow first time back room paul asleep in sleeping bag down coated warmness of woodstove heat trapped inside tall pine trees at truslow spring-truth please those long, terrorizing days o would you come voice or death something, be raised all those terrible days at anngar farm. o and let's not forget oregon? the time first, knelt on my knees ordered a used computer over the internet came in a box banged up set it in the corner of the trailor on a small table barely a foot off the floor beach days so much sun tree afternoons so much rain and i would kneel there, write and of course pray) i have written and written and waited so soo long for this and now i am here, having written it out every step and abracadabra open sesame code it took to bring me this far.
erika printed out all i'd given her by the end of august 14 months of submish. hundred plus pages? nothing congruent. now congruent as a dream! funny how that says as a dream as if in the sleeping sense with only one eye opened and not knowingly de dos mundos there is ever anything relevant to see. as if sight is relevant without it too.
Finally, i am there, this is not a dream. i can smell pine strong as spirit it is real right here with me and on fb another stooopid sign, i say to the muses
ooo holiest of holy all things as one all dark and light all encompassed version of all things encircled and the encirclement of all that ever was and this voice and the outter that handles it, and ever on, and the still uncapsized moment prior to breath, o all love and creation and loss, set it all aside now as i poool from this flood as i pull under and go down to come up with all i have within, set is aside let me do thou work holy of all most especially of my name you have the quality just help me with quantity show up to the page
i am set up now, my ducks in a row. this is fun, the most exotic strange poetic-practical place i have ever been.
November 30, 2010
November 28, 2010
What's Rad: Alone in the Wilderness--Dead calm and zero degrees....
Dad and I are flipping back and forth between the Ravens game and Public Television, where they are showing Alone in the Wilderness. It's a movie made of footage that a retired man named Dick Proenneke took in 1967 when he decided to move in to the remote mountains and hand-build a cabin and live for the next 35 years. It's phenomenal, peaceful, reverent in its simplicity. So much lately--as I've risen each day before the sun to go in and open the new coffee house here at the beach that I am helping create--I stand in the clear cold air and smell the trees and see the stars and I think about being outdoors in the fall, living on the road in the tall deep forests and high mountains. How touchingly pure and wondrous that time of my life was, waking up in the tent, frost-covered, seeing my breath, coming back to life each day with the sun. I hope Brandon knows about this film. God did we have an amazing time living out on the road... Anyhow Alone in the Wilderness is rad, the footage stunning and inspiring and the timing impeccable, as if meant to help me celebrate the wild spirit in me so happy to be outdoors and free to roam...
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November 19, 2010
Bliss-List. & Venus.
O my gosh. This link is so on-time for me, it came my way via We'Moon which if you dont know about them--ladies especially--well you better ask someone. No seriously We'Moon is a fabulous group of gals out in Southern Oregon whose collective puts out the We'Moon datebook, keeping us Wise-Soul-Livin/Lovin-Women (and men, too, or the ones who love us & who we love) connected to the earth and the moon tides. This is the only way to be for me so their message on FB about Venus going direct yesterday was so in line with the boost of Free to Be Love and Light that returned to me in the past 24 after a nondescript time period of feeling sort of nebulous in that area, a little off or blahhh.
The point is. I have a Bliss-List of 50 things I want to do in/with Life. Do you have one? My list is the raddest and it has things on it that have been checked off like: Re-Find your Music-Self; See Madonna live; Take Month to ReConnect to Earth and SOul on Your Own etc; as well as things that are in progress like: Write and Publish your book (to/about Tribe of Mad Genius' Following Their Own Code and Path); Engage in Ecstatic Alive Living in Unison with Life through Earth Cycle and Tides; Lovingly Focus Time and Energy on Family and Relationships etc; AND there are things on there that are yet to be braved, for example: Live in Mexico in a Village and Paint and Do Art and Speak Spanish with Amigos; Get Certified in Permaculture; Camp for a month or two or ten On Foot in the Woods or Mountains; Finally Just Surrender to Being a Beach Rat Surfer Girl and Never Wear Shoes. Etc.
I am writing my book, and remembering the infinite potential of lovelightpower-within. I am totally avowed to one thing and one thing only (as I write this from the surf-shop in town with the guy who just educated me on everything I need to know to be out in the ocean the whole cold winter through...) and that is TO LOVE THE LIFE I am living, and Live the Life I Love.
I'm glad I have my Bliss-List, and those We'Moon gals, to reconnect me when I forget.
The point is. I have a Bliss-List of 50 things I want to do in/with Life. Do you have one? My list is the raddest and it has things on it that have been checked off like: Re-Find your Music-Self; See Madonna live; Take Month to ReConnect to Earth and SOul on Your Own etc; as well as things that are in progress like: Write and Publish your book (to/about Tribe of Mad Genius' Following Their Own Code and Path); Engage in Ecstatic Alive Living in Unison with Life through Earth Cycle and Tides; Lovingly Focus Time and Energy on Family and Relationships etc; AND there are things on there that are yet to be braved, for example: Live in Mexico in a Village and Paint and Do Art and Speak Spanish with Amigos; Get Certified in Permaculture; Camp for a month or two or ten On Foot in the Woods or Mountains; Finally Just Surrender to Being a Beach Rat Surfer Girl and Never Wear Shoes. Etc.
I am writing my book, and remembering the infinite potential of lovelightpower-within. I am totally avowed to one thing and one thing only (as I write this from the surf-shop in town with the guy who just educated me on everything I need to know to be out in the ocean the whole cold winter through...) and that is TO LOVE THE LIFE I am living, and Live the Life I Love.
I'm glad I have my Bliss-List, and those We'Moon gals, to reconnect me when I forget.
November 17, 2010
LOVE POST. For my blog.
Hmmmmm.
What to say?
What to say?
(I am doing a lot of letter writing. A lot, it is taking the place of the uber-personal nature of telling on my blog.)
What to say!?
(I am doing a lot of book writing. A lot, it is the most lively I ever feel.)
Blog! I miss you. You are always here for me and I just wanted you to know that. I wanted you to know that I love you! and no matter what you're the center of my heart and yes I wrote that the correct way--you are the center of my heart not in the center, but the center itself because I can always count on you no matter what you never ever go away, even when I feel lost I tell you just that I feel lost and guess what? There you are, words, sense of lostness, sense of heart displaced and found now! on the page. Blog I love you, thank you. What did they do? diPrima, her gals, Rich, Lourde, Shange. Shange! WHAT DID THEY DO? diPrima she said it all just mounted up. Swallowed them, all the work, all their creations, all of it, unseen. Without a button to hit labeled Publish Post. Without a stat counter, 27 hits, 42 hits, 16 page views 53 total hits today. Without anyone else to affirm: yes I hear.
O madness. O necessary need for me to like me enough to think I have something worthy to say.
The ocean is singing, hear it? I walked down on the beach and the surfers on 50th and 48th were angels with slick black neoprene skin. The sun was so shiny and the sand so right. I. Wanted. To. Swim. The ocean is blessing, hear it? The winter is coming in crumbly white cappy waves but it doesn't make any of it any less in love in fact it says I am here! I am here I am always, always here and, I am music. This is how I sing.
The ocean is blowing its ocean smelling wind in from the sea. It's the sea when it takes you places and the ocean when right out your door. What about La Mar? You say, well that's when she talks to the moon. 17th and Grand. No cell here. Good it's better that way. Girl with the cat-slit eyes in the coffee shop where I always go: dont close that door, I like the ocean blowing singing wind! The blessing's! On me. The blessing's on you, on we on us all. How could I miss this? How could I miss this all before?
I have been clean 10 years today.
I am holy, human, alive. Well. The sparkling sea. The rest of my life. The words. Vintage shoes in rose and brown snake skin looking leather. POETRY, poems told by the wind-singing blessing-giving ocean the far out way out sea. Blog you are my battery. White screen. Heart. Beating center. Of my life.
Thank you!
What to say?
What to say?
(I am doing a lot of letter writing. A lot, it is taking the place of the uber-personal nature of telling on my blog.)
What to say!?
(I am doing a lot of book writing. A lot, it is the most lively I ever feel.)
Blog! I miss you. You are always here for me and I just wanted you to know that. I wanted you to know that I love you! and no matter what you're the center of my heart and yes I wrote that the correct way--you are the center of my heart not in the center, but the center itself because I can always count on you no matter what you never ever go away, even when I feel lost I tell you just that I feel lost and guess what? There you are, words, sense of lostness, sense of heart displaced and found now! on the page. Blog I love you, thank you. What did they do? diPrima, her gals, Rich, Lourde, Shange. Shange! WHAT DID THEY DO? diPrima she said it all just mounted up. Swallowed them, all the work, all their creations, all of it, unseen. Without a button to hit labeled Publish Post. Without a stat counter, 27 hits, 42 hits, 16 page views 53 total hits today. Without anyone else to affirm: yes I hear.
O madness. O necessary need for me to like me enough to think I have something worthy to say.
The ocean is singing, hear it? I walked down on the beach and the surfers on 50th and 48th were angels with slick black neoprene skin. The sun was so shiny and the sand so right. I. Wanted. To. Swim. The ocean is blessing, hear it? The winter is coming in crumbly white cappy waves but it doesn't make any of it any less in love in fact it says I am here! I am here I am always, always here and, I am music. This is how I sing.
The ocean is blowing its ocean smelling wind in from the sea. It's the sea when it takes you places and the ocean when right out your door. What about La Mar? You say, well that's when she talks to the moon. 17th and Grand. No cell here. Good it's better that way. Girl with the cat-slit eyes in the coffee shop where I always go: dont close that door, I like the ocean blowing singing wind! The blessing's! On me. The blessing's on you, on we on us all. How could I miss this? How could I miss this all before?
I have been clean 10 years today.
I am holy, human, alive. Well. The sparkling sea. The rest of my life. The words. Vintage shoes in rose and brown snake skin looking leather. POETRY, poems told by the wind-singing blessing-giving ocean the far out way out sea. Blog you are my battery. White screen. Heart. Beating center. Of my life.
Thank you!
November 12, 2010
WAITING
I am a waitress.
Do you understand the implications of that sentence?
I laugh at all manners of corny jokes in a way that doesn't seem forced or annoyed. I balance trays the size of small Volkswagen's on my shoulder without spilling any of the glass-encased liquid-bearing weigh-the-same-as-small-boulders drinks that impare your ability to make good decisions when it comes to what is appropriate for a retiree to say to a smiling chipper young lady. I recite with a genuine smile answers about any and all of the food on our menu and I dont bat an eye when you ask do we have salmon EVEN THOUGH DESPITE YOUR FIVE MINUTES OF STARING AT THE MENU NOWHERE DOES IT SAY WE HAVE SALMON and I already told you the catch of the day. I SEPARATE YOUR CHECKS. I make you smile even when you are short or rude to me, because I truly believe that serving you is a way to be of service and lift me up out of me, a way to touch hearts that are charged with being in my presence for the hour or so that you are, and I really mean that: making you feel good is my goal. I can remember six things at once. Including cocktail sauce for the guy in the corner two soda refills at the highboy that kid needs extra napkins (oh god somebody sit those kids down before I "accidentally" spill the Volkswagen on them) ask the kitchen to get that salad out before the soup for the man who just decided at the last minute he wants a salad too oh god I wonder if the boys are in the kitchen check and see if the boys are in the kitchen no they gotta be in the kitchen because table 101 is still waiting on that steak up-cook get the steak up-cook out oh that works perfect because you can drop the bill to the table next to them, ok check on the steak up-cook grab the naps and coc say hi to your two new tables on the way let them know you'll be right with them and o yea, that table Jen just picked up says they know dad dont forget to go by and smile, and make an ironic comment about golfing in the cold and let them know how he's been. I remember all this and still I keep my cool--I smile! when you come to me with an impatient look on your face waving a credit card at me wanting me to stop everything else I am doing now in order to SEPARATE YOUR CHECKS. I SEPARATE YOUR CHECKS. Oh wait, did I already mention that?
I am a waitress. I listen to your problems and also to your complaints and I smile anyway even though you are 68 years old and just tried to pick me up. You think it's okay to sit down all eight of you and run me back and forth because I am young and that is my job--which I make less than $3 an hour doing and you still seperate your check, all eight of you, eight seperate burgers or rockfish sands with water to drink and then you each leave me one dollar and some change. I smile anyway.
KNOW WHY?
Because I am a writer and even though waiting demands my physical energy it leaves my emotional untouched, which is what I require to give it all to the page. And it teaches me about life, again and agian reminds me the basics of human nature. People just like a little attention, and to feel good. They like to be warm, and full. So simple, so very very simple. The people I work with have fun, they dont stress, it's great. I am almost always so happy to be around them that by the end of the night I feel light and renewed, no matter what. And then I get to come home late and leave work at work when I walk out the door, which is AMAZING. And even though I'm keyed up adrenaline-full it's cuz I got my exercise tonight, and when it was all done I assed-up with the guys in the kitchen until I was chill enough again to remember life's all good. I am responsible for your happiness but only for the hour or so you are in my charge, and 9.5 times out of 10 we both walk away authentically smiling. And whether or not that means anything to you at the time, it's hell of a good practice for me.
I have been a teacher,(a good one), an intake counselor, a resource manager, a team leader, a troubleshooter, a secretary, a tech-writer and in all things those roles easily still come out of me. But the one thing I've done on and off for 17 years now that might well be the most useful and far-reaching role, especially when the mutherfuckingwheels are fallin off this bitch, is WAITRESS. Because 17 years has taught me how to smile and keep it cool, and to trust. Tonight, even tonight even this too shall come to an end.
Do you understand the implications of that sentence?
I laugh at all manners of corny jokes in a way that doesn't seem forced or annoyed. I balance trays the size of small Volkswagen's on my shoulder without spilling any of the glass-encased liquid-bearing weigh-the-same-as-small-boulders drinks that impare your ability to make good decisions when it comes to what is appropriate for a retiree to say to a smiling chipper young lady. I recite with a genuine smile answers about any and all of the food on our menu and I dont bat an eye when you ask do we have salmon EVEN THOUGH DESPITE YOUR FIVE MINUTES OF STARING AT THE MENU NOWHERE DOES IT SAY WE HAVE SALMON and I already told you the catch of the day. I SEPARATE YOUR CHECKS. I make you smile even when you are short or rude to me, because I truly believe that serving you is a way to be of service and lift me up out of me, a way to touch hearts that are charged with being in my presence for the hour or so that you are, and I really mean that: making you feel good is my goal. I can remember six things at once. Including cocktail sauce for the guy in the corner two soda refills at the highboy that kid needs extra napkins (oh god somebody sit those kids down before I "accidentally" spill the Volkswagen on them) ask the kitchen to get that salad out before the soup for the man who just decided at the last minute he wants a salad too oh god I wonder if the boys are in the kitchen check and see if the boys are in the kitchen no they gotta be in the kitchen because table 101 is still waiting on that steak up-cook get the steak up-cook out oh that works perfect because you can drop the bill to the table next to them, ok check on the steak up-cook grab the naps and coc say hi to your two new tables on the way let them know you'll be right with them and o yea, that table Jen just picked up says they know dad dont forget to go by and smile, and make an ironic comment about golfing in the cold and let them know how he's been. I remember all this and still I keep my cool--I smile! when you come to me with an impatient look on your face waving a credit card at me wanting me to stop everything else I am doing now in order to SEPARATE YOUR CHECKS. I SEPARATE YOUR CHECKS. Oh wait, did I already mention that?
I am a waitress. I listen to your problems and also to your complaints and I smile anyway even though you are 68 years old and just tried to pick me up. You think it's okay to sit down all eight of you and run me back and forth because I am young and that is my job--which I make less than $3 an hour doing and you still seperate your check, all eight of you, eight seperate burgers or rockfish sands with water to drink and then you each leave me one dollar and some change. I smile anyway.
KNOW WHY?
Because I am a writer and even though waiting demands my physical energy it leaves my emotional untouched, which is what I require to give it all to the page. And it teaches me about life, again and agian reminds me the basics of human nature. People just like a little attention, and to feel good. They like to be warm, and full. So simple, so very very simple. The people I work with have fun, they dont stress, it's great. I am almost always so happy to be around them that by the end of the night I feel light and renewed, no matter what. And then I get to come home late and leave work at work when I walk out the door, which is AMAZING. And even though I'm keyed up adrenaline-full it's cuz I got my exercise tonight, and when it was all done I assed-up with the guys in the kitchen until I was chill enough again to remember life's all good. I am responsible for your happiness but only for the hour or so you are in my charge, and 9.5 times out of 10 we both walk away authentically smiling. And whether or not that means anything to you at the time, it's hell of a good practice for me.
I have been a teacher,(a good one), an intake counselor, a resource manager, a team leader, a troubleshooter, a secretary, a tech-writer and in all things those roles easily still come out of me. But the one thing I've done on and off for 17 years now that might well be the most useful and far-reaching role, especially when the mutherfuckingwheels are fallin off this bitch, is WAITRESS. Because 17 years has taught me how to smile and keep it cool, and to trust. Tonight, even tonight even this too shall come to an end.
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