It's just the beginning

It was a long weekend and I ended it hugging Gretchen with wet eyes, in front of a fish and burger shack under a white moon in a place called Summerland.  I drove her to Pacifica so she could see it and feel the silence there for herself.  Gretchen, who has stood by me through every bit of this year after year, back when everyone else thought I was senseless--the days of moving out of Chestertown because I was following my heart but didn't know towards what.  All I could think coming up to this weekend, it all makes sense now...all I could say again and again when we saw one another...I've only just begun.

Brian who's never written poetically once in his whole life texted There are two tragedies in life.  One is to lose your hearts desire.  The other is to gain it.  Some think the latter is worse.  They think once you gain your hearts desire, what you truly want, then life becomes pointless.  There's nothing left to strive for.  You become scared and fearful once you've gained it you will lose it.  Scared to give in and let yourself feel everything amazing that comes along with gaining one's hearts desire...these people are punks! They're wrong!  The tragedy of gaining one's hearts desire isn't the realization that this is all life has to offer.  That life is pointless from here on out....The real tragedy for some is once you've gained your hearts desire you don't stop and realize that it's just the beginning and NOT the end.  The beginning of something amazing we human beings get to feel.  A feeling that's intense and truthful.  A feeling that's painful and exciting.  A feeling that allows you to love someone or something more than yourself.  To be scared to give in to those feelings is where the tragedy lies.  I called him and we talked for an hour.  He is in love and she is afraid to lose her independence.  I called and talked to Paul almost as long, back to back phone calls about the exact same thing.  Dear Paul who is returning north to the hot springs to live in the forest again before Kalani.   I thought, how lucky am I to know these men.  Oh 2012. Time of new roles that never have been.  These two men loving like they never have before.  New roles everywhere.  Willing to love and getting hurt and keeping their hearts open the whole while.   How proud I am to know them who can be so brave.  It's not all golden in the Age of Female Wisdom.  All of us women and men we are struggling and learning every day. I am inspired by my brothers and try and learn from them.

I did laundry for the first time in a month.  The TV on the Radio station on Pandora rocks.  So does listening to sorta old school The Lonesome Crowded West.  My students are brave and beautiful.  I sat at my favorite beach Sleepy Hollow.  Had a taco from Loco's while I read the book I bought when Josh was here.  In other news while puttering around my house I pulled the salsa verde out of the fridge and was touched in that sudden, merciless way that brings unexpected tears to my eyes because I was so grateful to have a refrigerator, a closet full of lovely clothes.  Life is incredibly simple like that.  To see so clearly how abundant and blessed we are. There is so much for which to give thanks.  Life is ridiculous and complicated, too.  Intense and painful, breaking down defenses growing new roles. So it goes.  I've only just begun.