Just available there, for free

My dear friend Nicky, up north in Humboldt, when we used to live together one of us would inevitably say to the other, at least once a day, I love California.  The other would respond I knowwwww and the feeling of golden hue love and appreciation would flow back and forth between us.  My first week or two here, when I first got to Orange County, I kept having those same moments driving around Newport. I would realize I was just happy for no reason, but it was hard for me to surrender to it like I did so easily with Nick.  Isn't that a shame?  That spontaneous, inherent happiness is such a foreign natural feeling that I had to question it?  Suppress it?  I even held off on blogging, or talking to my closest friends and family because I didn't want to bum anyone out by admitting it out loud. How nuts?!


So, I tried to control it at first, because it seemed so odd, to be literally excited in the Trader Joe's line, or coming around the corner on Superior Avenue.

The bend where the ocean, flat canvas of so many blues, first comes in to view and fills the sky.

Eventually though, when I realized for sure this pressing feeling, and let myself fully experience it, then recognizing it would fill me with glee, and then the whole experience would compact and I would find myself having to suppress a giggle.  It's like my own little secret treasure, just available there, for free.  Also, there are plenty of times I don't bother hiding it, so yea, Newport and Huntington Beach, that was me.  For no reason, laughing out loud.

It's like a cartwheel feeling inside my chest, but also right under my cheeks, too.  Like my face keeps breaking in to spontaneous grins beyond my control and I'm serious, it happens countless times to me through out the day and it's not something I think I'll get used to, because of how high energy it is.  Thank god for that.  Today was a ProAm beach volleyball tournament.  Friends of friend are in it, hosting it actually, and in a few minutes I'll head back downtown to meet up for the after party.  Walking back from the tourney today, soaked so fully through with hours of blue sky and seasalt and sun, literally the best fish tacos I have ever had in my life in a brown paper bag in my hand, the cartwheel feeling hit.  I just grinned and let out the laugh.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

I snapped this pic then, hoping to capture some of that gleeful acrobatic feeling. Hoping to be able to share. Insert cheesy smiley face here.  May it continue.  May you follow your happiness, may it feel the same bursting from you.