In August I didn't think I liked Newport Beach. Maybe I knew there was more on the path ahead I had yet to see, and if I liked it too much then I wouldn't leave? Who knows. The point is, when I parked my car this morning on 31st street to go to the coffee shop I had to call Beth first to get her to tell me it was all real.
Seriously, it feels surreal to be here. One morning in 1995, it was pink and yellow-glowy on the beach from the first strikes of sun, and this always shirtless guy called Ferucio came walking down to the three or four of us laying there on our backs looking at the sky. What is this, Miami out here? he asked, his red Animal afro, his fierce eyes. I never remember any moment on the beach that felt more alive. That's how visceral today has been for me, that's how much on the verge of my life I feel. It feels like I shouldn't let that much happiness in... That much glee.
I had to remind myself that the bottom doesn't need to drop out, that doesn't have to happen. When I totaled my car in October I was terrified, and went through this whole spiral of emotions including the intense ideas that somehow crashing my car was connected to following my heart to move out here. It's crazy as it sounds, I know, all the same it never fails to amaze me the extent to which we humans go to sabotage ourselves. And I saw my brain trying to set that up--with why bother and poor me thinking when I lost my car. Those last two or so days in NorCal those fears were there again, I saw them, let them pass and linger as needed, and still pushed my way through. It's amazing that right on the other side of this really real feeling right now there still sit my fears, barely veiled. That somehow no, no this isn't real. This wont work out and then what, back with my drooping tail I will run home.
I write my process out here on this blog, I share what it is to feel and live and devote the heart to being truly alive. Experiencing it all. It feels right for me to share this part, too, with you readers. So that you know the heart, its wide and funny many different ins and outs. The hopes and haunts, ALL those varied moments, it's what we all have in common. It's what draws us to each other, to keep sharing, to keep at this wanting to live. It Valentines Day, a day to celebrate the heart. Silly and huge and gleeful and frightened as it is.
I love myself completely, the blessed and brave and authentic, the enthusiastic and reverent, the dirty-mouthed and wild, and even the scary, threatening parts too. I'm whole. And doing this thing.
This is it!
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