More on Truth, and Following my heart

It used to be fall was my favorite season, but that seems to be the company I used to keep, too. Bonfire company, walking through the woods and camping company, peoplein flannels, that kind of thing. The truth of the matter is I love spring.

This bounty everywhere. I'm out on my walk and the forsythias are about gone--people think she's the first to show her delicate head but lemme tell you it's actually camellia, and oh is she grand how she bobs the branch all the way down with that deep brush of pink-almost-red--the bradford stinkass pears almost gone, but instead would you look at that? The neon green grass? The hot pink azaleas?! The most beautiful smelling lavender lilacs like little perfect stars waving high from the corner of some people's tailored lawn. The hollys with all the little white flowers of sex sweet breathing as you walk on by.

The first two weeks, when the dandys were everywhere at very first and no one had been out yet with their poison I took a couple walks to forage my favorite herbal weeds. Lawn tea, my own witchy specialty. There's so much I am aware of right now as I end my days perusing my town. So much I am captivated by, so much gentle sweeping light, fresh sweeping air. All I can think each time I walk is wow, how lucky and happy and thankful I am to be alive. And how much life is all around me. And how much there is this aligned well inside, this steeple of silence and peace.

It's been a year and a half since I first set out to "follow my heart" whatever that means, to learn to be true to myself as an adult woman. All I had back then to guide me was the most brutal dose of confusion and discontentedness, and this sense of acquiescence that had sort of settled over like a low fog. I didn't know it at first but that ill all the time dull feeling and always upset, that was a signal of the purest kind. There was a lot I had to learn about self-honesty. A lot of little tied up parts of my heart and spirit that were stuck and didn't translate so well. A lot of driving on auto-pilot and a lot of continued confusion, and also at times a lot of pain.

But bit by bits I've gotten stronger, I've learned to trust myself. That's what it is, what I'm trying to explain right now. Knowing that I can trust deeply in me. And practicing from day to day the truth of my current personal matter--how I'm feeling today. Not disavowing myself of that expereince, of my own reality as it is going down right now. Ah, yes the truth is mutable it's true. Just like they taught at Vipassana--changing changing changing moment to moment. But why do we think we need to force it, force away how we are in this exact moment? What the hell is that instinct injury all about? I am at worst when falling to the hand of my own stunning rigidity...

Right now a re-cap of SNL is on and it is hysterical. God I love to laugh, and I love to be moved to a moment of reverant reflection, stilled, too. I love to experience life. They showed Paul Simon's rendition of the Boxer just a bit ago. It was from the Saturday immediately following 9/11 and watching it instantly made tears well up in my eyes, but then right after there's Amy and Will doing a Little Mermaid act that literally made me belly laugh. Maybe my favorite part of SNL has always been watching the actors try not bust up at each other--or try to do their individual jobs so well that the goal is to make one another bust up? Same thing I remember that used to make me lose it when I was a kid and mom and I would watch Carol Burnett. Wow you know? Life. Mutable truth? In so much as we, at times foolishly, take reality as we see it from moment to moment via our limited perception to be all that is--and hoplessly so, no truth never changes. Autopilot has to do with shutting down our impulses and instincts from a place of fear. So that we experience recurrent patterns, ridges or grooves in our consciousness. Learning to feel, literally healing my sensate life has been such deep remedy to that. My truth has been mutable, and when I aim to love every part of it, the good bad and ugly, then it is Visionary, too. Then I truly have power in the matter, I am aligned. I get all flumuxed though when it comes to thinking you, she, he it are changable according to me and my needs and feelings and sensations. That is always a big challenge for me and I guess so long as I am living I will have lots to experience and lots to challenge that feeling-life, but the last year and a half of devotion to my own heart has paid off in so much that I get it--it's up to me to own me and that's what it means, being true to me--no matter what.

Years ago, in my early sobriety, driving with my friend Amy who herself at the time had about 10 months clean The Boxer came on a tape we were listening to and chills covered my body, and then hers, and then both of us had that eye-sheen of spontaneous confirmation-tears. Wow. Life you know? Me and my precious beating heart, the only thing I'm ever guaranteed to truly know...