Nature and Will

Last night in the middle of the night at like 4 I turned the light on I was awake and the only thing I can say is that I was anxious, but in an excited way with an alive mind that I think was anticipating the weekend. I blog-rolled and looked over my own blog reading recent posts, which is something I am neurotic and narcissistic about every so often, and thought to myself I dont know I think I am going through one of those times when I dont have much to say. I realized that what has been on here on my blog the last couple posts is about tidying up the remnant hurts that still are left "at home." And I think I've about wrung that free of all there is left to say.

And now it is now, and I am here, and that is the untruth: because as often as it is about my voice and the capturing, it too is about just downloading and processing and getting it out. Which is when I most feel sorry for you Dear Reader for reading when the truth for me is sometimes like today I just need to blabble spontaneous download and it is an exercise in futility but then, isn't that what all art in some slants of thought is? I am writing literally to bring myself in to the day or really, just to clean and charge my mind.

I fell back to sleep around 6:30 and was bumming when I felt the blanket of rest flit finally over my consciousness: it's going to be late when I get up now...and it was, it was after 9, I wanted to be in the office already. I am meeting with my writing partner tonight, and spending the night at Mandy's after so we can late night catch-up. It is golden sunny out, the little blue speedwells are popped out everywhere and the air smells so stank of wet earth and high-nostrilled sweet salt cooking from the creeks and muddy riverbeds that all I want to do is wander in to the woods and hug armfulls of pineneedles and wet lacy leaves to my face and chest.

I have data to review and submit.

Ah, poor me, no? I am so silly with my Will. I've been thinking a lot about nature, about one's nature and the larger, macro Nature of things. How in that fabulous magic double helix way of manifestation One's Nature, and the larger Nature, are convergent in the nebulous with actual Nature as well, with the elemental base of all things. Through which we get to act out project on to and portray this walking dream. I have a couple women who are hella close to me, who I've grown up with over the last decade or so and we coach and mentor each other through life. Three of the four of us are Aries, and I was thinking about this because it's come up a lot in our recent discussions--our impulsiveness, our fire, our Will. Aries is just about upon us--the Equinox is Saturday!! and after all this mutable rain--all this watery washing away of things--now will come the harnessing of change. The worst thing one can do is fight their nature, I believe that in the dance of Wills, inside the limited human understanding of morality and religiosity and ethics and Free Will and submission, there is the beautiful meeting place where the seeds of what we want birth the potentiality for the highest possible example of how and who we could be. Where Free Will and High Will transmute and are one and the same. Ahhhh, Magic! Doubt, and fighting these impulses, are the truest sin? In meditation under the last full moon I was long and quiet and then the trance slipped on, and my medicine Owl came to me and I had a brief but clear reminder of the importance of Intention, and aligning our truths and not fighting what we want. And, too, owning clearly what we dont want "because when we ignore what we dont want this becomes guilt."

Woah, well it is St. Patricks Day I guess in the fashion of this tradition (O mama Brigid my first and true rune) what was meant to come out today was some good olfashion Celtic esoteria--Nature Wisdom for all of you.

Yea so. I was all amped about this weekend in the middle of the night, for my little fancy dress and dancing and celebrating Saturday night. I didn't sleep well in excitement and allure and wakefullness aligned with the Nature of things. The sun is shining and so I will go now, get dressed, and walk to work. Be well be well be true to you...!