God, you know what? I dont even know. Who used to say that all the time Duuude you dont even KNooow? Kevin James. My old homeboy from the beach and second starlight lover which is to say second man or boy back then who I loved and who loved me cuz of the myth we made in each other. God did we love each other crazy. He's dead now. It was years since we'd talked when he died, too. He came to me in my bathroom at Anngar the week I found out about his OD. Stood there sad and silent in front of me just like I could see him Typical Kevin come to me when I'm naked I thought then cried a terrible cry from somewhere tucked deep and wild and hidden in my gut. It was the same energy him standing there that I used to feel when he'd be so flyed out of his skull wacked on dust or just hella drunk that his eyes would be zombied, this weird wall of grey and hurt in the heart.
Wow I am limbo right now, limbo for sure. Today is the first Saturday I got to wake up in my own little bed in my own little pad and had nothing to do. See the thing is with me I am such a damn perfectionist and especially one of those action-doer people, but also I am very go with the flow like to chill accept the moment and so be deep in peace or joy. And I've found over the years that the two attitudes aren't neccesarily conducive, so I've had to be willilng to be fleixble with my self to learn to maximize and integrate these two great and fine apsects and gifts of self. Which means that while I was up unpacking my office/writing room/sacred space til past midnight last night and dead ready to jump out of bed this morn and finish the project, all I really could do was get some coffee in me when I finally groggied my ass out of bed and then sit down in front of facebook and blogger and so far haven't got off the couch. It's like 11 something now. Sam and the boys are coming down Easton way for a matinee show so eventually I will get up and go do that. I want some pancakes but will settle for chocolate dognuts. By the time the shows over it will be late afternoon I'll need to get fancy to go over the bridge to see my ol grrrls and pay a visit to an old friend of ours from back in the back in the day who opened a downtown premier spot in Baltimore City. I hope he's there tonight it's literally been years, and I've known this cat since 3rd grade.
Really, I just want to chill. I am so fucking tired of packing and moving and moving and packing and unmoving and unpacking and so much tiredness in my bod. This teacher I work with, three weeks ago when our second term was starting and I had to not only pack and move but also place over a hundred new students and meet with all thier teachers and call all of them on the phone Hola hola buscando para Antonio, ooo ooo Antonio soy Kelly de programma de ingles, recueda? O si si hola hola que pasa como estas?? Ahhhh bien bien gracias bien...This teacher during our meeting in her sweet little Minny Mouse voice was like Whaaa? You're moving, again? That's the third time this year!
Right, right. I know.
Mom and dad came down last Sunday after we were up to Grandma's and Pap's on Saturday for this great fundraiser thing put on in the Jefferson hills where you eat plates and plates of Pennsylvania Dutch-Style homecooked food that literally a hundred volunteers have helped to prepare for you and if you dont know what eating like this, this kind of food, is than I certainly cant tell you but please someday be sure to go to Lancaster County and check out for yourself the Amish markets and country stores. Anyhow folks came down and within ten minutes of them being here mom doing my dishes and cleaing my kitchen and trying to be helpful and me stressed and feeling compacted and tight and like an ingrate at the same time, dont you know the fucking closet shelving which means ALL MY CLOTHES all fell down AND the tv stopped working. Within 10 minutes of them being here how funny is that? Thanks to them in fact because within the hour it was all fixed and put back together, and if it'd happened when I was here alone that shit would've been the final factor and I would've melted down and guess what, no it still wouldn't be fixed...
That night I finally got a bed. The next night I was getting ready to leave work and come home and just chillllll and by the time I got to Easton it was dark, which it already was when I left the college and God do I have a hell of a time with the no light thing in the winter and IT's ONLY been two weeks...blaahhhh...and there's Brooks waiting unexpected for me and only last night did I finally get around to taking the sheets off the couch. We were up until almost 3 listening to tapes! Which seriously you would not figure on how fun that can be--it actually makes you really engaged in the process of music listening when you have to search for it like that, finger on the rewind button and all. I have this dub I made off the radio 92Q and oldskool V103! the day Biggie died and I hadn't listened to that in years and years and we listened to it late night well past witching-hour in its almost entirety not talking much just smiling low and rapping along here and there and eyes closed and nodding our heads.
He's the shit.
Next day he had to go to Wal-Mart to buy a new dress shirt and tie so the people in our office couldn't tell he slept in his clothes. I haven't been right since that night and now it's caught up with me: the fact that the winter's here, it is dark, I am alone. Alone in a new place and no one, no love by my side. Most times I am thrilled by that but other times too it's just dark, and quiet, and scary, and alone. Blguguhghg. I am writing and making my space but mostly, for real, I am just looking forward to rest and sleep and back to nothing to nothing to nothing to do. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
There is this house full of youngish thuggish boys across the street from me who remind sorta of Kevin James and the ol beach crew in that they're more punk-hard than thug-hard and sometimes I sit on the roof half out my window and look over at them and sometimes, like right now, they sit on their front porch and look up at the window like they're looking in at me. Every time I look over my shoulder they're down there, smoking cigarettes, looking up. O, Easton, and all this rain and grey. O tired heart and bones and boxes still left to unpack. O everything, that passes away. Ahhh sacred ipod and new songs cuz I just got paid.
La la la de da.
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