grace of movement

Yeah, so really, I've never been good at balance. Seriously, I mean the great quest to land the right combo of caine and wine, or weed beer and ex--these were fastidious choices i so thought would educate me in the wide wide world of what it would mean to be adult.

it doesn't work so good--trying to achieve that state of balance, some elusive chemical equilibrium, by messing around w the wiring like that in your head.

sometimes i think it took me the first five years of sobriety just drying out--like just to get some air, come up to breathe, make things not re-wire but un. dont know why this is on my mind--maybe cuz i got to spend some great time w those homefries that did me so good in the early days of what it meant to be clean, and young.

either way, here i am days and days since i wrote out loud!! as does this format of blog deliver me--and all bc i am pulling crazy long, and late hours at my new job. haven't seen the potlucking crew in ever, too.

but the miracle--i know that this is part of the pendulum swing, and i am standing, perched there on the edge, my feet steady hard stuck in but also dangling off just a little and the ground moving fast past me as i swing there, steady even, too and fro.

maybe balance has nothing to do at all w standing still?

perhaps its the perfect movement, the grace of the swing--the inner awareness of where you are being exactly how you are making it through, how there is no next step w out the one on the other side, that came before---

and guess what? i like my new job--i actually do. how cool--